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Steve Likes to Curse
Writing, comics and random thoughts from really a rather vulgar man
Dog vs. Dog: The 2007 World Series and God 
Monday, October 29th, 2007 | 01:06 pm [baseball, dog vs. dog]
Steve
 

Today is the first edition of a new occasional column co-written by Stuffy, my favorite childhood stuffed animal, and Toby Benson, Ashley’s longtime plush sleeping companion, wherein they offer their opposing viewpoints on important issues of the day.
 
Question
Moments after watching the Boston Red Sox sweep his team in the World Series, Colorado Rockies owner Charlie Monfort told an MSNBC reporter that he believed his club was the better team. Is Monfort, who made no secret of the predominantly Christian make-up of his team in recent seasons, at all justified in this claim?
 
Charlie Monfort painted himself into a corner by setting up his Rockies as God’s team. So, when God’s team got totally annihilated by the Red Sox without even putting up a fight, what could Charlie do to save face but basically declare that the World Series didn’t matter anyway, and his team was really the better ballclub? It’s a very silly thing for Monfort to say, especially when the team in the next clubhouse over is busy getting drunk and talking on the phone to the President of the United States, celebrating the fact that they just steamrolled over your guys and barely felt a bump. Sure, the Rockies had a good run. They won 21 out of 22, which is really impressive. But the Red Sox had a better regular season record, and just plain dominated the Series. The Rockies were out-pitched, out-hit, and out-matched from the first game. Silly.
 
I think it’s equally silly for people to say they know what’s in the mind of God, but I’ll still go out on a limb and tell you that I don’t think God watches too many sports. Why would he? He’s got an entire universe to tend to! And even if he didn’t, sports are just something humans created to entertain themselves. Humans aren't the only creatures on the planet; gorillas like to amuse themselves by flinging their feces back and forth at each other. Does God watch them, and root for a particular gorilla to catch one in the teeth more than the others? When I lived in a box in a tool shed for two years, the Batman and Spider-Man dolls and I invented a sport where we’d take turns screaming as loud as we could for someone to come and take us away to a warm house and a soft bed. We’d scream and scream until we passed out, either from exhaustion or the gasoline fumes. Was God watching that?
 
Of course Monfort is justified in saying the Rockies were better than the Red Sox! Not only did they win 21 out of 22 games from September 17 through the NLCS, they made it to their first World Series only 14 years into their existence! It took those losers in Boston a whole 18 years to recover from their loss to the Mets in 1986. The Mets!
 
The Rockies are God’s team in baseball (just like the Broncos are God’s team in football — God has a well-known affinity for Colorado). That means the Rockies are the best team. It doesn’t mean they get to win all the time. It just means they could win all the time, if their faith was strong enough and if God didn’t intercede to cause them to lose for some reason only He understands. Charlie Monfort understands that God is only testing His team, the same way God always does. Look at the Jews, God’s Chosen People: Have they ever won anything? If you read your Bible and look at history, it’s obvious that God expresses his affection for those he loves by visiting tragedy after tragedy upon them. Tragedy and suffering are God’s unmistakable calling cards. How else would we know how much he loved poor people, or Southern California, or Africa?
 
Even though they’re the best team, I think the Rockies should be praying for another of their trademark shitty bottom-dwelling seasons next year. That’s the team God grew to love, afterall, not the Division and Championship Series-sweeping baseball machine they were this past month. Following their recent brush with success, a 62-100 season in 2008 is just what those Blake Street Bible-Thumpers need to keep frosty. It’d be God’s way of saying, “Here is My beloved team, in whom I am well pleased. . . . By the way, Holliday is loving it in New York.” 

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