Happy Halloween to pagans, non-uptight Christians, and just normal people all across the globe. To mark the occasion, I thought I’d examine the current manifestation of one of my favorite stupid Halloween traditions — presidential candidate masks. Forget polls, forget caucuses and fundraisers — if you ain’t got a Halloween mask that looks vaguely like your face in a really creepy way, you ain’t got shit.
Since the field of prospects from either half of our political oligarchy has yet to be pruned down to a more televised-debate-friendly number, there are plenty of interchangeable candidates to choose from, and a wider selection of rubber death masks than we’ll have to play with next year, when things will be narrowed down to (I’m just guessing) Hillary and someone who isn’t Ron Paul. I’ve seen the masks available for the current crop of candidates. Some are quite scary. In the spirit of the day, I’ll show you the 2008 presidential candidate masks I’ve found, and rate their scariness on a scale of 1 to 5, employing as my rating symbol the scariest political Halloween mask in history, Richard Nixon’s actual face.
First, the Democrats. Right, Dick?
Barack Obama Not what I was hoping for, honestly. Like Barack himself, the mask looks quite pleasant, humble and self-effacing. Look at that uncomfortable smile — put away that camera, you’re embarrassing him! The mask isn’t scary at all, isn’t even that creepy, and now that I really look at it, it doesn’t even look that much like Obama. It more closely resembles Bill Bellamy, or Martin Lawrence after a Zoloft.
Broad, calculated grin, empty eyes, a sense of being in evil’s presence just by looking at it — this could be a photograph of the real Hillary. Add a voice synthesizer chip that allows you to turn your southern accent on and off at will, and people would never suspect you’re not the actual (I decided on “actual” after rejecting “real” and “genuine”) Hillary. Hold a few fundraisers and make a fortune, and scare the piss out of some trick-or-treaters along the way.
Even a goofy Halloween mask has to pass a basic realism test, and this one just ain’t up to snuff. The glassy eyes, the Barbie doll hair, those big fake horse teeth, that mouth molded into a pained smile that looks more like a grimace. Good thing the real John Edwards is running and not this totally phony and unconvincing simulacrum, because if people were expected to vote for this thing, he wouldn’t stand a snowball’s chance in Hell.
Moving now from the jackasses to the elephants . . .
John McCain Now we’re talkin’! Check out this badass little motherfucker. The strong chin, the wicked grin, the black, soulless eyes. The real John McCain might oppose waterboarding, but not this guy — he’ll drown your treasonous ass and your whole goddamn 527 group! And what are you gonna do about it? Not a godblessed thing. John McCain’s rubber Halloween mask is one you don’t want to fuck with. We should make these standard issue for our men and women in Iraq and Afghanistan. Those Islamo-Fasci-Nazis would piss their pants running the other way.
Ron Paul If he weren’t such a nut, and if he hadn’t gratefully accepted campaign donations from Alex Jones and Nazis, I’d feel sorry for Ron Paul after seeing this lame-ass mask he’s stuck with. He works hard to raise money through the internet, he goes on every third-rate radio talk show that’ll have him, he has his supporters bomb every online poll he’s featured in to inflate his popularity, and he gets stuck with this pitiful little cut-out mask that looks like it came off the back of a cereal box. What cereal would it be, I wonder . . . Not Lucky Charms, that’s for sure — those are occult symbols in there!
Rudy GiulianiThere’s something familiar about this one that I can’t put my finger on . . .
Holy shit, he looks just like Fred Astaire the Mailman in Santa Claus is Coming to Town! That movie used to scare the shit right outta me! That Fred Astaire puppet thing was frightening enough as it was — add the toothy grin, the two-tone hair, the snake-slit eyes, and you’ve got a mask that will literally step over 3,000 corpses to get to the White House. Even Fred Astaire, as evil as he was, wouldn’t have the black heart to do that. We have a winner.
Technorati Tags: 2008 Presidential Election, Barack Obama, Halloween, Hillary Clinton, humor, John Edwards, John McCain
, political Halloween masks, politics, Ron Paul, Rudy Giuliani