An Open Letter to Ohio and Texas
Dear Ohio and Texas,
For starters, thanks for ruining my fucking day. Once again, as with the New Hampshire primary in January, we the people of the United States had a chance to end the foul presidential campaign of Hillary Clinton, and once again I wake up the next morning and turn on the radio to learn we have blown the opportunity. No, not “we” — I had nothing to do with this — you. All of you in Ohio and Texas who voted in the Democratic primaries for Hillary Clinton instead of Barack Obama. This is your fault. The sun was up, the heavy oaken door had been battered down, the lid thrown off the coffin, the stake poised over her chest. But when the moment came to finally, forever end this woman’s reign of terror, you hesitated. You failed to bring the hammer down, Ohio and Texas. You may have fucked us all. I hope you’re pleased with yourselves.
Vermont, you guys actually displayed some brains and went for Obama, so you’re off the hook. Rhode Island, you went for Hillary, but since you’ve got about 3 convention delegates and nobody gives a fuck about you, you’re off the hook, too. Hillary won in Rhode Island with almost 60% of the popular vote, or six out of ten. That’s not a proportion — of the ten Democrats who make their home on the sprawling couple of acres that is Rhode Island, six voted for Hillary.
No, Ohio and Texas, the blame for last night, and for whatever else is now in store, lies with you. What was it that drew you toward Hillary Clinton? What is it about this shrill, vindictive woman that strikes you as presidential? I’ll bet for a lot of you it was her experience. I’m right, aren’t I? Ol’ Hillary’s been tested, she’ll be ready on Day One. She’s got 35 years of experience, don’tcha know. If you overlook what a pile of horseshit it is, it’s actually a pretty impressive claim.
Thirty-five years takes her back to about age 25, when she was fresh out of law school and working as a lawyer in Washington, D.C., advising the House Judiciary Committee on a possible Nixon impeachment. She never — never, I says — held an elected office until 2001, when her first term in the U.S. Senate began. Barack Obama, on the other hand, was first elected to the Illinois State Senate in 1996, and was re-elected two more times before resigning to serve in the U.S. Senate following his election in 2004. That’s over ten years of legislative experience, to Hillary’s seven. Oh yes, and Obama represents Illinois, the state where he had actually lived for many years, unlike Clinton, whose move to New York just so happened to coincide with the vacancy of one of its seats in the senate.
So when it comes to her so-called decades of experience, Hillary is an empty pant-suit. Add to that what a phony and thoroughly unlikable person she is, and it amazes me that this election has really gone on this long. Ohio and Texas, it was up to you to put this bitch down. How hard was it? “Let’s see, do I vote for the young, fresh, vibrant guy who radiates optimism and energy and eloquence; or for the strident, nakedly ambitious opportunist with the glued-on smile who’s always squealing about her nonexistent readiness?” Real tough fucking call.
What’s to be done about this, then? Like New Hampshire, you two are now on my shit list. Well, Texas, you were already there, but I’ll deal with you in a second. Ohio, you first. You really disappointed me last night, kid. I mean, look at you. You’ve got so much going for you: the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, the Cincinnati Reds, that great Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young song . . . I really don’t know how you could screw the pooch like this. I expect better from you. Yet even your own John Glenn, heroic space pioneer and former U.S. Senator, endorsed Hillary Clinton. The last few days whenever someone would mention how Hillary was a shoe-in to take Ohio, that her lead in the polls was insurmountable, I’d say no, no, don’t be too quick to count Obama out in Ohio. Give the people of Ohio a little more credit than that, I’d say. I took up for you. And what do you do? You piss right in my face.
Don’t look away — look at me when I’m talking to you. Aren’t you ashamed? You ought to be. You ought to be.
As for you, Texas, what can I tell you? Fuck you. That seems like a good start. Fuck you up your big-belt-buckle-sporting hairy asses. With Ohio I was disappointed, because I know they’re capable of so much more over there. But you? What have you ever done? Really. I’m asking. The Kennedy assassination, George W. Bush, and now this. Way to go, Texas. I’ve run out of patience with you, your ridiculous hats, your steers, your whole stupid fucking state. If I’m ever elected President of the United States, all you Texans who want to remain citizens of this country had better pack up your trailers, get your boots on and move your asses out to Oklahoma or New Mexico or somewhere, because my first official act after taking the oath of office will be to pick up the phone, call the President of Mexico, and give him back every last square inch of Texas, and everyone in it, no strings attached.
And if Mexico doesn’t want you, I’ll give you to Israel, tell ‘em, “Hey, if you all want miles and miles of desert wastes for a homeland, I’ve got one here that’s a lot bigger, not surrounded by terrorists, and ready for you to move in today!” I’ve had it with you Stetson-wearing, line-dancing, Confederacy-joining motherfuckers. We’ll move Mission Control over to Louisiana, leave the Astros and the Rangers right where they are since no one’ll miss their asses anyway, and call it good riddance.
(By the way, it’s not as if I haven’t thought this whole “giving away Texas” thing through. We won’t even have to change the flag — after Mexico or Israel takes Texas, we just make Puerto Rico or Guam or one of those other islands we own the new 50th state.)
This is twice now in the last two months that Hillary’s been on the brink of extinction, and twice that she’s managed to wriggle free to screech another day. Pennsylvania, in six weeks it’s up to you. After all of this, I think you know what you have to do. Don’t get soft. Don’t lose your nerve. Don’t flinch. Knock her down, step on her neck, put that muzzle behind her ear and pull that motherfucking trigger. Vote for Obama, or I swear to God I will drive up there and kill every one of you.
Yours in Christ,