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Steve Likes to Curse
Writing, comics and random thoughts from really a rather vulgar man
If Heaven only holds so many people, why are they always recruiting? 
Thursday, March 20th, 2008 | 03:14 pm [humor, religion]
Steve
On my way in to class this morning, I noticed two people walking up and down one of the streets here in Sharpsburg, studying houses and writing on clipboards. One was a middle-aged man and the other, on the same street about a block down, was a younger woman. I thought they looked a little strange, just standing there staring at houses from across the street and writing, but I went to class and forgot about them.

Returning from class this afternoon, I noticed they were still here. They'd moved on to another street, but it was the same two people. There they were, gazing at houses from across the street and writing things down on their clipboards. Approaching the door to Ashley's apartment, I noticed a flyer had been folded up and tucked underneath her “Do Not Sit on Steps” plaque. (People are always sitting on our steps.) Here's the flyer:


In case the Whitest Jesus Ever up there doesn't clue you in, they were Jehovah's Witnesses.

Easter is this weekend, when Christians all over the world celebrate the execution and resurrection of Jesus. I won't get into what a sick and very stupid theology the whole “Jesus died for our sins” deal is. For now, I'm more interested in why the Jehovah's Witnesses made their Jesus so goddamn white. I should really take back the “Whitest Jesus Ever” crack, since when I worked at Pilot I saw copies of The Watchtower with images of Jesus that made the guy in that flyer look positively Semitic. Jesus lived in the Middle East, for Christ's sake, and these guys draw him as though he spent most of his time at his bungalow in Malibu.

Whatever the reason for their noticeably caucasian Jesus, the Witnesses want you to know that not all the faces you'll see should you choose to visit the Kingdom Hall will be as white as the Son of God. On the back of the flyer was this picture:


See there? Not all white folks. Just remember, if you're ever at a meeting of Jehovah's Witnesses, seating in the Kingdom Hall follows the pattern displayed in this photo — it's white person, black person, white person, black person, and so on. Remember that now, and save yourself some embarassment later.
Comments 
Thursday, March 20th, 2008 | 08:59 pm (UTC)
You know, I found that flyer in my doorway too. Wow. It's not a local thing.

One thing I've never quite comprehended about the Jehovah's Witnesses (I hear you say, "One thing?" Work with me here). According to their dogma, only 144,000 people will receive immortal life in heaven. If there's a set number of "saved", why not live it up? Why not booze it up, sleep around, kill a few people - either you're in or you're not. What does it matter what you do?
Thursday, March 20th, 2008 | 09:32 pm (UTC)
That's a problem not just with the Jehovah's Witnesses, but with any faith that believes in predestination. If God has everything that will ever happen planned out ahead of time and will never deviate from that plan in even the tiniest detail, why live morally at all? Nothing you ever do or say will really make a difference, since God has already decided who gets into Heaven and who goes to Hell an eternity before you were born.

And look at the groups who preached this theology, among them the Puritans. Some of the strictest, most severe, most repressed, least fun people who ever existed! If your faith tells you that you're either getting into Heaven or you're not, and there's nothing you can do to either improve or worsen your odds of salvation, why not indulge every sick, perverted whim that crosses your mind? Why all the restraint? Why isn't the early history of European settlement in North America awash with orgiastic depravity? These are my questions.
Friday, March 21st, 2008 | 12:58 am (UTC)
Heh. You know, whenever anyone knocks on my door and asks me if I've accepted Jesus Christ as my personal savior, I say yes. I go on to explain that my Jesus likes me the way I am. That I am, in fact, functioning as designed.

And then I close the door.

Isn't that the way it's suppose to work?
Friday, March 21st, 2008 | 01:42 pm (UTC) - 1000 Jehovah's Witness Lawsuits
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