Abraham Lincoln, 1861-1865
PRESIDENTIAL ACCOMPLISHMENTS: Won the American Civil War; ended slavery in the United States; vowed to treat the defeated Confederacy humanely, rather than make it his bitch; wrote and delivered some of the most immortal words ever issued from a president, including the Gettysburg Address; only man in history ever to pull off the “beard/no mustache” look.
REASON HE WAS ASSASSINATED: A week before his murder, Lincoln gave a speech in which he proposed granting former slaves the right to vote. “Niggas at the ballot box? John Wilkes Booth ain't playin'at!”
WHY HE WAS A BETTER PRESIDENT THAN GEORGE W. BUSH: Come on, do I really have to write anything here? Not only did he free the slaves and win the Civil War, Lincoln’s letters and speeches account for some of the most beautiful writing ever done by a president. The man was practically a poet. This was most likely due to the fact that he read books, and lived long enough ago that he received an actual education, where his grades were determined by his merits, not by his family prestige. Also, he once said, “Sir, my concern is not whether God is on our side; my greatest concern is to be on God's side.”
James Garfield, 1881
PRESIDENTIAL ACCOMPLISHMENTS: He was only president for four months before he was shot, and spent the remaining months after that in bed, so not much; he appointed one Supreme Court justice, and worked to end the patronage system that led to friends and supporters of the president landing high-level government appointments. We see how well that worked out.
REASON HE WAS ASSASSINATED: Garfield’s assassin, Charles Guiteau, was angry over not being appointed the U.S. consul in Paris, despite the fact that he was entirely unqualified for the job, and somewhat batshit insane. Plus, as English Bob said, “Why not shoot the president?”
WHY HE WAS A BETTER PRESIDENT THAN GEORGE W. BUSH: He didn’t have a chance to accomplish much, but ol’ Garfield seemed like a nice guy, honest and upstanding. And smart – according to his Wikipedia entry, the guy could write Latin and Ancient Greek simultaneously, one language with each hand.
William McKinley, 1897-1901
PRESIDENTIAL ACCOMPLISHMENTS: Annexed the territory of Hawaii; won us Guam and Puerto Rico in the Spanish-American War; raised gobs of money and manipulated the media for his election campaigns, forging the template for modern American politics. Thanks a lot, Bill.
REASON HE WAS ASSASSINATED: The assassin, Leon Czolgosz, was an anarchist and apparently just felt like killin’ him a president.
WHY HE WAS A BETTER PRESIDENT THAN GEORGE W. BUSH: McKinley enlisted in the Union Army in 1861 and actually served during the war, enlisting as a private and eventually being promoted to Captain for his bravery in battle. There is no record of him or his campaigns disparaging the military service of any of his opponents.
John Kennedy, 1961-1963
PRESIDENTIAL ACCOMPLISHMENTS: Peacefully resolved the Cuban Missile Crisis; employed Federal troops to enforce racial integration at the University of Mississippi and the University of Alabama, and proposed what eventually became the Civil Rights Act of 1964; kick-started the American Space Program which culminated in the Apollo moon landings, the first of which occurred six years after Kennedy’s death; gave some of the most resonant and historically significant presidential addresses in American history; inspired an entire generation of young, rich, handsome whoremongers.
REASON HE WAS ASSASSINATED: Take your pick: Lee Harvey Oswald shot him for reasons unknown; the CIA killed him to protect itself after the Bay of Pigs and then framed Oswald; Lyndon Johnson orchestrated the assassination to take the presidency for himself; Richard Nixon masterminded the killing to take revenge on Kennedy for the 1960 election, and to clear the path for his own future presidential bid; the U.S. military had him killed in order to escalate the war in Vietnam; J. Edgar Hoover had Kennedy killed so he wouldn’t have to retire from the F.B.I.; Aristotle Onassis killed Kennedy so he could mount Jackie like a horse.
WHY HE WAS A BETTER PRESIDENT THAN GEORGE W. BUSH: Let’s see – had a record of courageous military service; articulated an optimistic and progressive new vision for the country; brought about long overdue civil rights reform; revolutionized science, engineering, aeronautics, and countless other fields by supporting the space program; was a curious and engaged leader who sought out dissenting opinions, served as his own chief of staff and made his own decisions; nope, I can’t think of any reasons.