Given the recent crackdown by the Chinese government on Tibetan protestors, as well as its long-standing reputation as a leading human rights violator, should the United States boycott the upcoming Summer Olympics in Beijing?
I wonder what it is about America that makes us so ready to take our ball and go home. Nobody can defend the way the communist government in China has treated its citizens, or the people of Tibet. But, what would boycotting the Olympics this summer accomplish? It wouldn’t punish the Chinese government in any way. By tarnishing the luster of the Olympics, it might actually make things harder on the already suffering Chinese people, who have been ordered by the authorities to be on their best behavior while the world is watching. And it will definitely punish the American athletes, for most of whom the Olympics is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
If we want to make a statement against oppression, we ought to show up and compete. Show the Chinese government, and the people, what a free, democratic society can do. How is it better to just stay home? Yes, let’s keep our American athletes home, dilute the competition, probably allowing the Chinese to rack up even more medals than they would have anyway. That’ll show them.
Let’s not forget what happened the last time the U.S. shunned the Olympics: in 1980, we refused to participate in the Moscow games, and the U.S.S.R. and East Germany won pretty much everything. I bet that hit those commies where it hurt. Then, in 1984, the Soviets led their own boycott of the Los Angeles games. The result of that: a gold, two silvers, and two bronzes for Mary Lou Retton. I don’t think we want a rerun of that. I don’t know who the Chinese Mary Lou Retton could be, but I get chills when I try to imagine anyone that perky.
Follow me on this one. Yes, we sure as hell should boycott the 2008 commie Olympics — publicly. The thing is, if we just keep our athletes at home, it’ll just let the Chinamen fill their rice baskets with even more gold, silver, and bronze that rightfully belongs to us. You read it right, China — there’s only one true power in the 100 meter hurdles, and you’re looking at it.
So here’s what we do. We announce that we are boycotting the 2008 Olympics, that our U.S. athletes will not compete because we are protesting Chinese mistreatment of the Dalai Lama, or whatever the hell China did. We make a big deal out of this — I see President Bush calling a televised press conference to proclaim the boycott, then ripping a Chinese flag up into little shreds and piling them up on the floor. Then he whips it out and pisses all over the pieces, and he’s all like, “Here’s what I think of your China Olympics!” The best part is, since this wouldn’t be odd behavior for the president, no one would suspect that it was just a front for our real plan.
After the boycott announcement, we fly our athletes over to some other country in secret. They train over there, away from the glare of the cameras, and when the time comes to head over to China to play in the games, they show up wearing the uniforms of the other country. Iraq would be perfect for this. Our boys and girls march in the opening ceremonies wearing the Iraqi colors. They win their medals and have the Iraqi anthem played. We teach them to speak Arabic, so they can sound Iraqi when they talk. To make sure no one recognizes them as really being Americans, they compete in masks. The whole time the Olympics is going on, the world is abuzz with the exploits of these mysterious masked Iraqi athletes and all the ass they’re kicking.
Then, the night of the closing ceremonies, our people file back into the stadium. When they get to the middle of the field, they stop. They turn toward the box where the President of China (or whatever he’s called) is sitting, peel off their masks, pull off their Iraq uniforms to reveal — !!! — shirts proudly displaying the red, white, and blue letters U.S.A. They drop the Iraqi flag and start waving Old Glory. “The Star-Spangled Banner” booms out of the loudspeakers. One of our guys — whoever wins the most medals can do it — grabs the microphone and says, in perfect American English, “Did you really think it was Iraq who had beaten you? It was the United States of America all along! Choke on that, you commie bastards!”
Then we take our medals and walk out of the arena while the world cheers. Fucking A.