With both major parties having completed their primary elections, attention now turns to the November general election. Who should nominees John McCain and Barack Obama select as their running mates?
With every talking head and political pundit in the country trying to predict who McCain and Obama will pick as their potential vice presidents, I guess I should have seen this topic coming. Who better to prognosticate about the Republican and Democratic tickets than someone who spends virtually his entire existence sitting on the bed? I’ll try to prove myself worthy of your faith in me.
It seems like most of the speculation in the media (you’d be surprised at how well I keep up with it all from my spot in front of Steve’s pillow) about McCain’s V.P. pick is focused on three guys: Mitt Romney, Bobby Jindal, and Charlie Crist. One from Massachusetts (or Michigan, or maybe even Utah, I’m not really sure), one from Louisiana, one from Florida — so at least they’re pretty evenly dispersed.
I’d think McCain would have big problems with each that would keep him from picking any of them. Didn’t he try to kill Romney a few times during the primaries? I might be remembering it wrong, but I could have sworn I heard something about him crawling toward Romney across the stage on his belly with a knife clenched in his teeth during one of those early debates. And Huckabee was right there ready to slap a hammerlock on Mitt if he tried to make a run for it. It’s too bad Huckabee is such a religious nut, or I’d say McCain ought to pick him. You can see it whenever Huckabee’s given an interview after the end of the primaries, how willing he is to do McCain’s bidding. If he wins in November, maybe McCain can create the First Henchman cabinet position for the Huck.
Except for him being a registered member of the Republican Party, I’d say Bobby Jindal would be a great pick for Obama’s V.P. He’s a 36-year-old newly elected governor, a total outsider where Washington, D.C. is concerned — sounds perfect for a change campaign, but not a great fit for a guy like McCain, whose trump card is his centuries of legislative experience. And Charlie Crist — wasn’t he governor in Florida back around the turn of the 20th century? Maybe McCain will pick Crist just to put Florida in the bag, then appoint a more fit V.P. once Charlie dies sometime in the spring of 2009.
As for who Obama’s going to pick, my only guess is that it won’t be Hillary Clinton. After the nasty, dragged-out primary race she ran, where she didn’t even make her endorsement-but-not-a-concession speech until four days after she lost, Obama choosing her would be like if John Kennedy survived the assassination and then replaced Johnson on the ticket for ’64 with Lee Harvey Oswald. Maybe Barack could sign John Hinckley out of that federal loony bin he’s been the last 25 years and put him on the ticket. Barack looks enough unlike Reagan that I don’t think he would have to worry much.
If you want to know who John McCain and Barack Obama will pick to run with, you have come to the right dog. The difference between me and Stuffy is that he always has to think about everything. All that analysis just ends up diluting your judgment. I go with my gut. That’s what I’m about to do, right before your very eyes. I’m going to predict the running mates of McCain and Obama through sheer instinct. I’ll use an ancient method of Hindu meditation to clear my mind completely of bias and outside influence, then passively allow the name of the vice presidential candidate to enter my consciousness. I must ask you to remain calm, for what you are about to see . . . will astound you.
Okay. First, the running mate for John McCain.
A moment, please.
Shocked? Shocked, are you? Yet, if you think about it, the choice is obvious. Because of his age, McCain will most likely be a one-term president. Quayle already has a stint as George H. W. Bush’s V.P. under his belt, so he could only serve one term, too. Why would McCain want to waste a fresh V.P. on his lame duck administration? Quayle would also help McCain reach out to conservatives who aren’t thrilled about him being the Republican nominee. Remember when Quayle, as the sitting Vice President of the United States, gave that speech claiming that Murphy Brown having a baby out of wedlock on TV was going to lead to the downfall of western society? It sounded Paleolithic when he said it, which was fifteen years ago. Think he’s changed his mind since? I wouldn’t bet on it. That makes him the ideal conservative darling to put McCain over the top.
Plus, McCain will want to choose a V.P. who won’t overshadow his own abilities as a statesman — and let’s face it, he won’t sweat Dan Quayle showing him up there.
Now, I will predict the running mate for Barack Obama.
. . .
I know what you’re thinking, but . . . fuck — Geraldine Ferraro?
. . .
Skepticism is natural when confronted with so blinding a gift of prophecy as mine. But consider my prediction a moment and it will become clear that I must be correct. I’ll give you a moment to consider it . . .
Yes. You see, like Dan Quayle, Geraldine Ferraro has been to the top of the mountain, vice-presidentially speaking. Maybe not the tippy-top — she didn’t win, but from where she made it to, she could see the top. I’m sure she would bring valuable experience to the campaign. Choosing Ferraro would also accomplish two very important goals for Obama. First, it would show him to be gracious and forgiving to his enemies, since Ferraro supported his opponent in the primaries and said that he wouldn’t even be a contender if he weren’t black.
Second, choosing another prominent female politician to be his running mate would be the massive fuck-you to Hillary Clinton Obama’s been so eager to deliver the last few months. Think of it — he could issue a press release announcing that his V.P. search is over, and he’s chosen a well known stalwart of the Democratic Party, a veteran of the Senate, and a woman who is a trailblazer and a pioneer in American politics. The media shows up at the Obama rally, Barack walks up to the microphone and instead of introducing Hillary Clinton, out comes this old fucking mummy Geraldine Ferraro. Everyone is just stone silent, not a peep to be heard anywhere in the room. Barack allows an suitable period of silence, then leans back in front of the microphone, grins and says, “Kiss my dick, Hillary.”
Now that I think about it, my predictions might actually be too awesome to come true. If McCain and Obama pick other people, it will probably be because they read this and were all like, “Damn, it’s uncanny how that stuffed dog just read my fucking mind!” and get so freaked out that they just can’t pick Dan Quayle and Geraldine Ferraro, even though they had intended to all along. So I’ll still be right.
I’m through. It’s safe to put your eyes back into your skulls.