Football is one of my least favorite things in the entire world. The only reason it isn’t as high on my shitlist as, say, motorcycles, is that it’s easier to avoid. Or at least the actual games are easy to avoid — football in general still saturates the culture, especially this weekend. I could waste an article going over in precise detail exactly why I loathe football so damn much, but I’d rather not. I believe in thinking positive, yo. Instead of bitching, I want to talk about how I’d improve the game and the trappings surrounding it to make it something that I wouldn’t mind watching, and the popularity of which wouldn’t fill me with despair about the state of humanity.
So, first things first:
—LOSE THE CLOCK.
Clocks in sports are bullshit. They’re arbitrary and phony and the antithesis of competition. If you’re playing football, and your team is up by thirty points with two minutes left on the clock, you win. The game isn’t technically over, but there’s no way the opposing team can make up the deficit. Rather than continuing to play their hardest, the winning team just has to run out the clock. I’d rather change things so that the winning team has to actually beat the losing team, because the losers have a shot at coming back right up to the very end. To replace the clock, and dividing the game into quarters and halves, I’d establish that each team gets ten possessions of the ball per game. A possession begins with the team playing defense kicking the ball from their end zone into the offensive team’s territory, just like is done currently. The possession for the offense lasts until the defense forces four downs, which I’m defining as forcing the ball, or the player carrying the ball, onto the ground. I’ll call an interception of a pass by the defense a down, too. Possessions last until four downs, regardless of how many times the offense scores. When the offense scores a touchdown, they return to their end zone and the defense kicks off again.
—NO MORE SEPARATE SQUADS FOR OFFENSE AND DEFENSE.
Overspecialization in sports is bullshit. From now on everyone plays offense and defense. And six players on the field per team, maximum of ten per roster, in case a few guys get hurt.
—LET US SEE THE PLAYERS.
No more heavy pads and face-obscuring helmets. Not being able to tell one player from another except via uniform number is dehumanizing. Let us see the players, so we know who’s who, and so we can tell they’re fucking people and not a bunch of big-shouldered robots. We can cut down on injuries by penalizing hard hits, and focusing the game more on speed and passing accuracy rather than bone-crunching carnage.
—MAKE THE POINTS SYSTEM MAKE FUCKING SENSE.
Why the fuck is a touchdown worth six points? And why is a field goal worth three if kicked during play, but worth one if kicked following a touchdown? Fuck that noise, Jack. A touchdown is worth one point. A field goal isn’t worth shit because it no longer exists. Cut down the uprights and sell ‘em for scrap.
—GET RID OF THE COIN TOSS.
Seriously? Flipping a fucking coin? Get the fuck out of here. The visiting team gets first possession, the home team gets last possession. “But what about the Super Bowl?” I hear you all protesting. Same rule. Why? Because from now on the Super Bowl is played in the stadium of the team with the best regular season record, not some randomly selected city.
Would any of this make me watch football? I don’t know. Maybe. If the sport adopted these changes, I might wind up the only one watching it. Plus, hundreds of 300-pound blockheads with no other marketable skills would be out of a job. Could the economy handle that at this point?