The swine flu has claimed its first fatality in the United States, a two-year-old Mexican boy who had come to Brownsville, Texas with his family. As of today there have been nearly a hundred confirmed cases in the U.S., in ten states. The World Health Organization is close to declaring a phase 5 alert, just one step below phase 6: pandemic.
And I for one say it’s about damn time. Not for a deadly influenza outbreak — for the media and government authorities to be straight with us about the fact that we’re all going to be dead soon.
Sure, they tell us not to panic, to pay attention and take common sense precautions like washing our hands and staying home from work if we don’t feel well. They tell us there’s nothing to worry about. But oh, you can see the fear in their eyes, feel it in their voices. We’re fucked. Why else would they continually return to the story, repeating the same old information over and over and over again? They want so badly to just come out with it: Kiss your children good-bye, folks. That’s all she wrote.
But that would trigger pandemonium. Riots, looting, people having sex with Laura San Giacomo — all that Stephen King shit. So the reporters, the anchorpeople, the talking heads all hold their tongues, and keep one eye on the emergency exit. I bet Anderson Cooper’s got a helicopter on the roof of CNN Center, fueled and ready to go at a moment’s notice.
Keep your face masks and put your hand sanitizer away, because they won’t do you a bit of good. There’s only one thing that can save you now. The same thing that always saves you. Praying to Jesus.
Just recite this prayer verbatim, but make sure you really mean it, that’s important: “Lord Jesus, Son of God, Prince of Peace, Alpha and Omega, Savior of All Mankind, please, please, please, please don’t let me catch the swine flu. Protect me through your mighty power and keep the tiny virus from entering into your temple, my body. Pretty, pretty, pretty please. Amen.”
If you pray that prayer sincerely, you’re all good. And it doesn’t just work for the flu. That same prayer, with the relevant details changed, is also great for curing cancer, protecting children from homosexuality, and preventing the election of Democrats to public office — provided you’re a born-again Christian, of course. If you’re not, God won’t even hear your prayer. He’s like a publisher who doesn’t read unsolicited manuscripts. You really need an agent.
Jesus will be your agent, but you have to ask him first. Just get down you your knees and ask him. List every moral lapse, every dishonesty, every crime you’ve ever committed no matter how small, and beg Jesus to forgive you. Throw yourself on his mercy, cry, plead, really supplicate yourself. If you display so much as an iota of self-worth, the salvation might not take. You’ve got to sell Jesus on your unworthiness. Once you’ve cried and begged, and Jesus is satisfied that you’re really sorry for all the horrible things you have done, he will come into your heart and heal your soul, etc., etc., and you’re all good!
Probably. Really, there’s no way to tell for sure. You’ll just have to wait until you die to see if you make it into Heaven or not — shit, to see if there even is a Heaven! In the meantime, maybe washing your hands isn’t such a bad idea.