?

Log in

No account? Create an account
Steve Likes to Curse
Writing, comics and random thoughts from really a rather vulgar man
A fond remembrance of The Bastard Son of the Lord Homepage 
Thursday, August 27th, 2009 | 03:25 pm [humor, random, religion]
Steve's New Userpic

A comment Varjak left on Facebook a few days ago reminded me how much I miss one of my all-time favorite websites. It was called The Bastard Son of the Lord Homepage, and is still one of the funniest sites I’ve ever encountered. For whatever reason, it was abandoned years ago by its creator (also named Steve) and is no longer online. But what a shitload of fun it was while it lasted . . .

 

The concept was sacrilegiously simple: it was the homepage of Jesus Christ, who had tapped webmaster Steve to spread his message over the internet. Regular features included the Messiah Log, a message from Jesus where he kept visitors informed on his current activities and dispensed advice on a wide variety of topics, including the finer points of good testicle-handling; a section devoted to the hate mail the site received from infuriated Christians; and a page describing an ever-growing line of collectible figurines depicting the many sufferings of Christ.

 

Major events in the life of Christ described during the life of the Bastard Son site included drowning to death on Lake Erie, his subsequent resurrection (his third coming), and his on-again/off-again sexual relationship with webmaster Steve. Jesus wasn’t gay, though — he was a committed bisexual. In the messiah log in which he announced he and Steve’s relationship for the first time, he assured his female readers, “I am still swinging with the ladies.”

 

Remembering the Bastard Son site after so many years, it’s readily apparent what a huge influence it’s had on me as a writer and, these last few years, a blogger. It’s obvious that, whether I meant to or not, I’ve modeled my voice at Steve Likes to Curse on the Messiah Logs and other bits of writing I loved by that other Steve at the Bastard Son site.

 

Varjak and I spent many a phone conversation laughing at the site, especially the list of collectible figurines, all of which were meant to depict Jesus in severe pain. Here are a few of the better items:

 

Jesus lights the wrong end of a cigarette

Jesus hits a hole in one but there are no witnesses

Jesus being interviewed by Jay Leno

Jesus gnawing off His extremities while caught in a bear trap

Jesus piercing his own nipple with a leather punch

Jesus’s fingernails being torn off in the pencil sharpener

Jesus receiving bad news at the AIDS clinic

Jesus discovers his lover has committed suicide, thinking Jesus himself was dead, not merely unconscious as a ploy to escape their terrible family rivalry, and weeps

Jesus being mauled by pitbulls

Jesus drinking a can of soda with a bee inside it

Jesus tripping on a curb, and falling chin-first into a fire hydrant

Lazarus the Zombie trying to eat Jesus’s brain

Jesus bites his tongue

 

And probably my favorite . . .

 

Jesus getting whacked in the throat with an aluminum baseball bat

 

As I mentioned, the site is no longer online. Fortunately, that’s why God invented the Wayback Machine at the Internet Archive! The BSOTL Homepage can still be viewed thanks to that miracle of modern technology. Check it out, just as it was when last it was updated, right here. If you never got to see it when it was up and running, you’re in for a treat. If you used to read it and remember it as fondly as I do, do yourself a favor and take a look at it again. It’s been so long since it was active, chances are you’ve forgotten enough of the good stuff that it will be almost like seeing it for the first time.

Comments 
Saturday, August 29th, 2009 | 12:27 am (UTC) - Reminds me of the Exploding Head Home Page
Anonymous
Was a strange site that showed world leaders and famous people- when you clicked on their heads, they exploded on your screen. I guess the FBI even investigated them... was a few years back, and was pretty wierd.
Saturday, January 16th, 2010 | 07:00 pm (UTC)
I just googled that site for fun, and came across your LJ entry. I remember that site fondly... I still even have the songs Steve posted: "Spank Me Jesus", "We'll Be Fine", and "Put a Little Christ in You". Good times! I remember when that site would update.... they don't make 'em like that anymore.

(If you would like me to send you the mp3s, drop me a message in my LJ...)
Tuesday, July 13th, 2010 | 06:40 pm (UTC) - Spank me Jesus!
Anonymous
Hah! That's me singing on Spank me Jesus.
Monday, September 6th, 2010 | 05:57 pm (UTC) - Re: Spank me Jesus!
Wow, that's hilarious... Are you Steve or his friend? ;)
Friday, January 29th, 2010 | 09:31 am (UTC) - IT´S COMING BACK!!!! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHAAAWWWW!
Anonymous
http://bastardsonofthelord.com/

hey, check it out, steve says he´s making a come back!!
Sunday, March 21st, 2010 | 11:46 am (UTC)
Anonymous
jesus getting sand thrown in his eyes in a western-style brawl.. i forgot all about that shit thanx
Wednesday, June 23rd, 2010 | 03:05 am (UTC) - I wrote some of those!
Anonymous
I was just daydreaming and began to wonder if BSOTL was still alive. Google gave me this site as one of its top hits. Anyway, I'm flattered that you liked those depictions of Jesus' suffering, since about half of them (including your favorite) were ones I submitted to the page. I was rewarded with place number 59 on the Low Rent getting into heaven list. Can't remember how many of those were mine, but definitely the following:

# Jesus getting whacked in the throat with an aluminum baseball bat
# Jesus gnawing off His extremities while caught in a bear trap
# Jesus piercing his own nipple with a leather punch
# Jesus's fingernails being torn off in the pencil sharpener
# Jesus receiving bad news at the AIDS clinic
# Jesus waking up in a puddle of His own vomit
# Jesus getting His scrotum caught in His fly
# Warner Bros.' Jesus and the Roadrunner
# Jesus and the earwig infestation
# Jesus and the Anaphylactic shock
# Jesus discovers his lover has committed suicide, thinking Jesus himself was dead, not merely unconscious as a ploy to escape their terrible family rivalry, and weeps
# Jesus stubbing his toe
# Jesus being mauled by pitbulls
# Jesus drinking a can of soda with a bee inside it
# Jesus with kidney stones
# Jesus snarfing the bongwater
# Jesus in a western style bar brawl, getting sand thrown in his eyes
# Jesus tripping on a curb, and falling chin-first into a fire hydrant
# Jesus and the bad shellfish
# Jesus getting paper cuts on the rough draft of the Dead Sea Scrolls
# Jesus and the charley-horse
# Jesus forgetting that he took Antabuse an hour before the wedding at Cana
# Jesus getting busted for trying to mail fraud Columbia House out of 6 CDs
# Lazarus the Zombie trying to eat Jesus' brain
# Jesus with Epilady
# Jesus at the DMV.

Ahh, those were the good old days.

holterbarbour at gmail.com
Wednesday, June 23rd, 2010 | 03:15 am (UTC) - Re: I wrote some of those!

I can't tell you how awesome it is that you found this site and commented. The Bastard Son page is maybe the funniest website I've ever seen, and to be in the virtual presence of the person who came up with "Jesus getting whacked in the throat with an aluminum baseball bat" alongside those other gems you mention . . . well, I am thrilled and honored.

"Lazarus the Zombie trying to eat Jesus' brain" is a great one, too. Maybe Lazarus bit Jesus, and that's why he eventually turned into a zombie too . . .
Friday, January 14th, 2011 | 10:42 pm (UTC) - BSOTL
Anonymous
I realllllllllly miss this website. I remember I had just gotten the internet at home, Windows 95, and spent hours on this site. I maybe even have some shit printed out and shoved into a drawer somwhere.
Friday, January 21st, 2011 | 10:53 am (UTC) - Re: BSOTL
Anonymous
http://bastardsonofthelord.com/


The Bastard Son of the Lord Home Page
Jesus died for you.
But some day,
the motherfucker will be back
Here.

No dates. It may take a while.

It sure is taking a while, I keep checking every now an again just incase.
Saturday, March 26th, 2011 | 02:47 pm (UTC) - Re: BSOTL
Anonymous
it's back!!!

http://bastardsonofthelord.com/

steve took away the songs menu option, but you can still get to the songs here:

http://bastardsonofthelord.com/liljesus.wav
http://bastardsonofthelord.com/fine.wav

the sidebar links are all jacked up, tho. he needs to fix the html so they open in the main frame, but whatever
Saturday, March 26th, 2011 | 04:45 pm (UTC) - it's back
Anonymous
it's online. check it out!

http://bastardsonofthelord.com/
This page was loaded Jan 23rd 2018, 12:28 pm GMT.