Tonight is the first game of the 105th World Series. The New York Yankees host the Philadelphia Phillies. It’s only the second time these two franchises have ever faced each other in the Series, which helps take some of the sting out of having the Yankees in there again. (What’s that? The Yankees haven’t played in a Series since 2003? Not long enough. [Say again? How long would be long enough? It depends, I guess. How long do you figure I have left to live?]) Making things even worse for a lifelong Yankee Hater, this was the first season of the much-ballyhooed New Yankee Stadium. I would have been perfectly content to see its opening season end with the Evil Communist Bastards (as Varjak so eloquently christened them some years ago) in the cellar, but I’ll take a Series loss to the Phightin’ Phils as a consolation prize.
You might think deciding to root for the Phillies this year was an easy decision. Well you’re wrong, motherfucker — how ya like that, smartass? Thought you knew. It’s actually a rather complicated thought process, as I illustrated last year with an explanatory flow chart, and as I am happy to illustrate again with the following slightly altered version of the same flow chart:
Last year I also claimed I would root for a team of pedophiles over the Yankees. I stand by that. I’d root for a team of pedophile/murderers that I had just watched gang-fuck and dismember my only child over the Yankees. I’d scream myself hoarse rooting for Fred Phelps’s Barnstormin’ Baptist Bigots, I’d buy a pennant and a t-shirt in support of Osama Bin Laden’s fucking Al-Qaeda All-Stars before I would even for even a nanosecond entertain the thought of rooting for the goddamn, motherfucking New York Fucking Yankees.
As for a prediction, I’ll agree with Warner Wolf: If it goes to a full seven games, the team that wins Game Seven will win the World Series.