Last night was the government-sanctioned, real official-like trick-or-treat night here in Sharpsburg. There was a good turnout as usual, and the kids seemed to have a good time, the shameless little beggars. Ashley and I took the opportunity to head out to Borders, where she purchased a copy of the book The Virgin Suicides. On the way out of town, though, we got to people watch a bit. Most of the costumes were pretty standard. I saw one guy leading his kids around who was wearing desert camo army fatigues. I presume he was one of our brave veterans, home from Iraq or Afghanistan, enjoying time with his family, and that heartwarming sight gave me a really sick idea for a Halloween costume that I invite you all to try the next time you want to provoke someone to give you the beating of your life.
It goes like this: You get yourself a modern army uniform, the khaki desert camo being worn by the troops serving in our nation’s present conflicts. Put that on. Now, if you happen to be a person of middle eastern ancestry or if you are otherwise of a swarthy complexion with black hair you’re all set. If not, you’ll have to make yourself up a bit. You’re going for that stereotypical A-rab look, but try to make it look as natural and realistic as possible. Hopefully, while you’re making your way through the throng of fellow trick-or-treaters, costume party attendees, or Mummer’s Parade gawkers, a well-meaning patriot will stop you and offer his hand, taking you to be an American of middle eastern extraction who has selflessly volunteered to serve his country.
Now, here’s where the provocation of the most epic ass-whipping of all time comes in. You wait for the well-wisher to shake your hand and thank you for your service, then you smile bashfully and say to him in your best Iraqi accent, “Oh, you like the uniform? Thanks, I took it right off the carcass of some pig American I blew away in Fallujah!”
Oh, it’ll be on.
Anyway, with Halloween being tomorrow and all, here’s a video of the sweet ending of Dracula: Prince of Darkness, Christopher Lee’s second lap as the count for Hammer Studios. It ain’t quite as cool as the ending of Horror of Dracula, but I’ve always liked this one.