For way over a year, Sean Hannity has been touting a list of “Top 10 Items for Victory” at his website, a series of policies and bits of glib philosophy that he claims is the Republican Party’s ticket to sweeping electoral victories in the coming elections of 2010 and 2012. Glenn Beck spent most of this year hyping his 9/12 Project, which fizzled with a sparsely attended rally in Washington, D.C. a couple of months ago. And now Glenn is going on and on about his new super-secret project, which he has creatively dubbed “The Plan.” If you find yourself wondering what The Plan is, just be patient. For now, just rest secure in the knowledge that Glenn Beck intends to host a series of re-education camps — er, pardon me — seminars, and he has divided the country into seven regions in order to better facilitate the indoctrination — shit, there I go again! — the enlightenment of his vast and loyal audience. And don’t worry if you can’t attend one of Glenn’s seminars next year, because The Plan will also be a book, which will be available for you to purchase sometime next August.
Hannity’s list is far-right boilerplate and boils down to “start more wars, drill for more oil, deport the wetbacks, and finish wrecking public education.” Beck’s Plan is just more of the same vague, self-aggrandizing rube bait we’ve come to expect from him. Good thing Don Imus is still around.
Taking a cue from the bullshit lists and dopey plans of the likes of Hannity and Beck, Imus and his crew have put together a pledge they want to get as many politicians as possible to take. The purpose of the pledge is not to gain victory for a political party, or rescue the country from its socialistic Kenyan dictator president, but to provide more material for the Imus in the Morning radio-television simulcast. The pledge is up now on the Imus website, and requires its signatories to promise, among other things, to exaggerate their personal accomplishments, make racially insensitive, politically incorrect public statements, and “strive to do something stupid at least once every news cycle.”
I wonder if Sarah Palin has already signed this pledge. Off the top of my head, she’s already fulfilled three of the ten items — and that’s on top of the “do something stupid” one I just quoted, which she’s been keeping like clockwork ever since McCain put her on the ticket. The others are:
1. EMBRACE YOUR INNER WEASEL — Exploit family members’ terminal illnesses for their PR potential; make emphatic public outcries against immorality while simultaneously carrying on an illicit, extra—marital, sexual relationship with a co—worker, intern, congressional page or circus sideshow performer.
No word yet of an affair or sex-tape from Palin (thank Christ), but she carries out the first clause of this one better than anyone. Name me another politician in recent memory who has trundled out her infant mentally handicapped child to pander for votes so enthusiastically. (I know, Trigg doesn’t have a terminal illness like, oh, say, Elizabeth Edwards. He still has a disorder that his mother has been ready and willing to publicly exploit for her own benefit. I’m counting it.)
3. MISQUOTE THE CONSTITUTION, THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE AND THE BIBLE — Promise to display your lack of a working knowledge or fundamental understanding of any or all of the aforementioned documents. Forget the words to the Pledge of Allegiance, The National Anthem, and the Bill of Rights so that even a fifth grader will roll his eyes and say, ‘Jesus, what an effing moron.’
Getting people of all ages to think you’re a fucking moron? Check. Palin not only misquotes the Constitution, she evidently has a deeply rooted misunderstanding of what it says and what it’s for. At several points during the campaign she seemed to believe that the office for which she was a candidate, the Vice Presidency of the United States, was located in the Oval Office of the White House. She also seemed to think that the vice president’s constitutionally designated duty of presiding over the Senate would empower her to take an active role in shaping legislation. It wouldn’t have.
5. BE CAUGHT DOING SOMETHING EMBARRASSING THAT CAN BE CAPTURED ON EITHER A VIDEO OR STILL CAMERA — Dance at a State Dinner as though you were having an epileptic fit, sing as though you were a cat being fed through a food processor, or water ski in a painfully small Speedo that highlights your Ernest Borgnine-physique and Johnny Winter-like complexion.
Far as I know, Sarah hasn’t been caught dancing, singing or water skiing. But I think having a video of a nutjob preacher beseeching God to protect you against witchcraft disseminated throughout the internet more than qualifies as “something embarrassing.”
Know what else would? One of our major political parties nominating this brain-dead walking joke to be the President of the United States. Sign the pledge, Sarah.