With almost three feet of snow already on the ground, and another 10—20 inches on the way between now and tomorrow night, what the hell else is there to do but bitch about what other people are bitching about?
Quite a lot, actually — shoveling, salting, getting the window in my truck fixed . . . But the hell with that! Making smartass comments about other people’s opinions is a shitload easier and more fun, especially since the Herald—Mail, the nearest thing we have to an actual newspaper in the Hagerstown area, furnishes those other people’s opinions in the convenient daily form of Mail Call.
The following entries are taken from the February 5, 7, 8, and 9 editions of Mail Call.
“I can’t believe — no, with this administration, I can believe it — they’re proudly announcing to the world that the underwear bomber is telling all. Don’t they realize that this is warning al—Qaida and the rest — the enemy, remember — telling them about all the information, intelligence we got from him? This is as if we had announced during World War II that we’d cracked the German enigma code.” — Frederick, Md.
I still don’t get why all you big, tough guy conservatives are pissing in your pants over the likes of Umar Abdulmutallab. This pitiful little sack of shit snuck onto a plane with a bomb in his underwear, and you all are freaking out because we aren’t wiring his nuts to a car battery while simultaneously erecting a gallows for him in an undisclosed location. The only way he can think to kill anyone for his cause is if he blows himself up, too. He’s a punk and an idiot, and so is every other member of al-Qaeda, and if you honestly believe that our civilian legal system — including reading Miranda rights to people prior to interrogation — isn’t up to handling douchebags like this guy, then what is it the troops are supposedly over in Iraq and Afghanistan defending?
“Watch out, America. With Obama and the liberals controlling Congress, another terrorist attack will be soon, believe me.” — Charles Town, W.Va.
Right, because Osama bin Laden clearly appears to give a shit about who the President of the United States is. “You know what, guys? I think we picked on poor George W. enough for one decade. Let’s just hang back and wait for a liberal to get in there, then we’ll really sock it to ‘em. Speaking of which — Yo Umar, stuff this in your jockeys, would you, bro? Take care not to light it until you’re over Detroit. And don’t go setting your pants on fire like an asshole, okay? Sweet. . . . Just that simple, fellas.”
“I’m calling about the South Carolina ... who compared the poor welfare people to stray animals. Even though his words were awful harsh, he still makes a point, and his point basically is there’s too many third—generation people living on welfare, especially here in Hagerstown. If you don’t know a third—generation person on welfare, then you should get out and contact more people, because there’s a lot of them out there.” – Hagerstown
This caller is referring to South Carolina Lieutenant Governor Andre Bauer, who, at a town hall meeting a few weeks ago, likened extending welfare benefits to the poor to feeding stray animals. “[My grandmother] told me as a small child to quit feeding stray animals,” said Bauer. “You know why? Because they breed!”
Nice guy. But refreshing in a sick way. Normally when someone talks about reforming welfare, they mean extending benefits to the recently unemployed, making sure that spouses and children don’t go hungry, or helping those receiving assistance find work so they no longer need that government check. Bauer’s solution is more innovative. He wants to starve the poor people and wait for them all to die.
“I read in the paper where a couple drove over four hours to see the famous groundhog. You could have saved your gas. I could have showed you one in my yard. Besides, how can a groundhog predict the weather when the calendar says spring starts on March 20, and that’s seven weeks away? It would be amazing if the groundhog could make spring come six weeks ahead of time.” — Hagerstown
Do people really go to the Groundhog Day festivities in Punxsutawney because they believe the groundhog is actually predicting anything? Isn’t that like assuming people go to Renaissance Festivals because they believe paying their $40 and walking through the front gates will actually transport them to 15th century England? Sure, it accounts for a certain percentage of the crowd, but by no means everyone.
“To the readers, the Mail Callers for Thursday that are complaining about the county paying for the State of the County breakfast: If they read past the first paragraph, they’d see that the county didn’t pay for that event. It was picked up by the Chamber of Commerce and First United Bank. So residents of the county, read a little more than just the first paragraph to get the real story.” — Washington County
Great idea, Washington County. Here’s another one: maybe the unpaid sub-literate interns who piece Mail Call every morning could help everyone out by not printing calls from people who clearly have no idea what the fuck they’re talking about in the goddamn newspaper.
“You know, it’s never too early to save your country. Now is the time to start impeachment procedures against Obama. He is destroying our country more than what they’ve done in the last 200 years. If you agree, please phone in. Impeach now, save America.” — Hagerstown
Another proud constitutionalist. What high crimes and misdemeanors has the president committed? What has he done in the last 12 months that is so destructive to the country? Most of the programs and policies that Limbaugh, Beck, Hannity, Levin, et al, have been losing their shit over have not become law — cap and trade, healthcare reform, to name the two big ones. How can they be ruining the country? They don’t even exist yet. And what has Obama done, or proposed to do, that stands to damage the United States worse than, say, the secession of eleven states in 1861, or the bloody and ultimately futile Vietnam War that dominated the 1960s and ‘70s? Two-hundred years covers a lot of ground, and even if Barack turns out to be one of the worst presidents we’ve ever had, the dude’s still just getting started. Take your lithium and chill out.
“We know that the Lord has a sense of humor. How else to explain the caller from Shepherdstown talking about Leonard Pitts’ ‘rants,’ while on the facing page, Leonard Pitts is talking moderately and praising Obama for talking moderately?” — Chambersburg, Pa.
How about “the editor of the Op-Ed section has a sense or humor”? Is it necessary to bring the Lord into it? Unless . . . you know, that actually makes sense! Who else but the Judeo-Christian-Islamic God could be responsible for something as clumsy and random and inelegant as the Herald-Mail?
“To the person complaining about the ID cards from the library and them wanting to charge you for them. Well, I agree. I thought it was the Washington County Free Library. So why are they charging people for little junk ID cards. If they can’t give them good ones, then they should replace them for free. I think our taxpayer dollars are already paying for this stuff, so why are they charging the customers?” — Hagerstown
Here’s the thing: Anyone who lives in Washington County can get a library card at the Washington County Free Library — for free. This card entitles the bearer to check out books and other media, and access the internet, at any of the library’s locations across the county, for free. If you are careless and lose your card, or are too stupid to return your checked-out materials by the due date (a date which is not only stamped on every item you checked out, but more than likely was also told to you out loud by the skilled, patient and under-compensated library employee who served you), you will be charged a small fee. This small fee allows the library to augment its perpetually inadequate government-funded budget, and serves to discourage irresponsible dipshits like you from losing or damaging the books, DVDs, CDs, or whatever that the library was kind enough to allow you to take home and enjoy for anywhere from a couple of days to several weeks — FOR FREE. So stop crying and be grateful you live in a place where there’s such a thing as a free public library, you fucking baby.
“I’d like to know if we can get the windbag with the hot air and global warming master, if he could melt this 3 feet of snow out of my driveway for me. You know Al Gore. Just follow the money, that’s where all the global warming is.” — Frederick County
This one’s actually part of a double act. Here’s his partner:
“If anyone sees Al Gore, could they tell him that global warming is not working on the East Coast.” — Hagerstown
You’re both ignoramuses. As I said a few days ago (and as much smarter people have been saying for a hell of a lot longer — thanks for the link, plwinkler!), global warming is a long-term trend in the Earth’s average global temperature, and heavy snowfall in the eastern U.S. in February don’t mean shit about shit.