Another Lonely Valentine’s Day for the Bride of Christ
EARTH — For the 1,514th consecutive year, the Bride of Christ spent Valentine’s Day alone, awaiting the return of her husband, the Son of God, Jesus Christ.
With so many Valentine’s Days passed in solitude, there are those who have begun to question Christ’s love for his bride. Skeptics such as author and Vanity Fair columnist Christopher Hitchens point out that there are few records of Jesus himself expressing love and commitment for the Bride.
“These claims of devotion all come to us second-hand at best,” says Hitchens, “for example, from the writings of the apostle Paul, who never actually met Jesus personally. Paul writes of Christ ‘giving himself over’ to his bride, but if that were true, where has he been all these years? The occasional apparition in a charred fish stick or a blob of animal feces aside, have any of you heard from him?”
Added Hitchens, “There’s no compelling reason to believe he even existed in the first place.”
Darkening the prospects for a reunion between the Bride and her husband even further are the many promises Jesus made just prior to his departure over 2,000 years ago that he would be returning very shortly. The Gospels of the New Testament, which chronicle the life of Christ and are the source of virtually everything known about him, record Jesus as pledging repeatedly to return before “this generation” would “pass away,” meaning the generation of people alive at the time, all of whom have been dead for thousands of years.
Dr. Jeanne King, an expert on abusive relationships, calls Jesus a “user” and “a classic passive-aggressive abuser. Look at this pattern of behavior: he woos his ‘bride’ with extravagant promises that, if she’d been thinking rationally she’d have realized, no one can possibly deliver on. But that’s what these men do, they promise you the finer things, financial security, life everlasting, never intending to come through on any of it. Then, once they’ve got you on the hook, they blow town spouting a bunch of baloney like ‘I’m just going to prepare a place for you, I’ll be right back,’ and you never hear from them again. I’ve seen it a hundred times.”
Despite waiting 2,000 years without a word from him, the Bride of Christ seems resigned to stand by her man. Though she declined to be interviewed for this story, friends report that the Bride’s opinion of Jesus has seemingly never been higher. The mere mention of his name can trigger a euphoric response, especially when the subject turns to his imminent return. The Bride is widely quoted as believing her absentee husband to be “the only perfect man.”
When asked for comment, Thomas Ice, a representative of the Bride of Christ said, “Jesus Christ is coming! Perhaps today!”
Valentine’s Day was first established in the year A.D. 496 by Pope Gelasius I. For centuries it has been a traditional celebration of love between both intimate partners and members of the family. And yet, despite repeated assertions of Christ’s love for his bride, to date they have not spent a single Valentine’s Day together.