This afternoon was the annual Sharpsburg Memorial Day parade. Not so bad, as parades go. I set up my camera and video-recorded the whole thing, with Ashley and I cracking wise throughout. I was going to cut it down to the best ten minutes and put it up on my YouTube channel for you all to see. But I just sat down and watched it, and you know . . . why would you want to see that?
Even the best parade in the world, like the most awesome Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade of Your Dreams would still be less exciting than watching a bucket of cold piss get warm. And I must admit, our commentary didn’t really add much. Instead of watching a boring ass local parade, I would be asking you to watch two people talk over a boring ass local parade. Plus, the sound wasn’t great, and some of Ashley’s best lines are hard to hear. Technology, right?
Still, despite the grim picture I paint here, the parade had its highlights. Plenty of majorettes dropped their batons, which is always a highlight for me. There were the Shriners in their little toy cars, two of which broke down right as they made it past us. And my Dad drove the truck behind the Shriners! He said there was no place to pull off at the end of the parade route, so he just parked the truck in the middle of the road, threw open the trailer and had the Shriners buzz their go-carts on up. My Dad is the shit.
State Senator Don Munson actually got some applause when he rode by this year, despite sharing a car with our utterly worthless U.S. Congressman, Roscoe Barlett. I can’t wait for this year’s elections just so I can vote for anyone other than Barlett. I’d vote for Satan over Roscoe Fucking Bartlett. Hell, I’d vote for Jesus.
I think the reason Munson got some love from the crowd this time around was because he’s being challenged in the Republican primary this time by Chris Shank, who is the most worthless, spaghetti-spined pandering twerp you can imagine. Not only do I disagree with his Tea Party-level politics, I can’t even respect him as an effective legislator. He’s been in the House of Delegates now for over ten years and I’m fucked if I can think of a single piece of legislation he’s gotten passed. He can’t get run over by a train soon enough, or too many times to suit me.
There were some disappointments this year. No Lou Scally. No douchebag on a Segway zipping up and down the parade route taking video for Frederick.com. I’d rather come to look forward to viciously mocking him, just as I would anyone riding on one of those ridiculous contraptions. If you want to sum up the decline of our culture in a single repulsive, battery-powered personal conveyance, I nominate the Segway. But that asshole wasn’t here this time.