As gullible idiots the world (okay — United States) over all know, the world is coming to an end on December 21, 2012. The evidence for this is overwhelming and consists of the Mayan long count calendar reaching the end of its present 394-year cycle on that date, and . . . that’s it, really.
We cynical rationalists mostly sneer at the 2012’ers as clueless jackasses who have misinterpreted the end of a calendar as a prediction for the end of the world. Afterall, this isn’t the first time the Mayan calendar has reached the end of a B’ak’tun, and the world didn’t end the last time it happened, either. Plus, the Microsoft Outlook calendar is way more accurate than the Mayan one, and it says the last day will be August 31, 4500. Shouldn’t we be way more worried about that?
Not so fast, 4500’ers! There’s new evidence — totally logical, airtight, undeniable evidence that the world is ending, somehow, for some reason, on 12/21/2012. Maybe you’ve already heard it. Or seen it in video form. If not, allow me to blow your mind:
Dig this. Take the date of the September 11th terrorist attacks — 09/11/2001 — and add it to the date of the 9.0-magnitude Sendai earthquake — 03/10/2011 — and you get 12/21/2012.
Are you fucking scared yet?
No? Good. You shouldn’t be. Here’s why:
1) The fact that the dates of two arbitrarily selected, completely unrelated actual tragedies “add up” to the date of a third unrelated imaginary tragedy is totally meaningless.
2) In order for this date addition to mean anything, you have to believe that the ancient Mayans not only predicted the end of the world on December 21, 2012, but also
a. that an unknown European civilization would eventually develop a calendar based on a completely different system than their own, utilizing a solar year;
b. that this European calendar would eventually number the present year relative to the estimated birthdate of a religious figure who wouldn’t even be born (relative to the ancient Mayans) for another five hundred years;
c. that this European calendar would be constantly tweaked and adjusted over hundreds of years, with a major reform taking place in what was by its reckoning the late 16th century that resulted in a ten-day adjustment;
d. foresaw the September 11, 2001 attacks and the 2011 Sendai earthquake, selected those two events from thousands of similar tragedies, and designed their entire calendric system so that the numerals used to express the dates of those events in this future European calendar could be added together so that the sums would then express the date of the end of the world.
3) The Sendai earthquake actually took place on March 11, 2011.
Damn — first the birthers, now the 2012’ers! Am I on a roll or what? What half-baked moron myth should I explode next? Any suggestions?