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Steve Likes to Curse
Writing, comics and random thoughts from really a rather vulgar man
Letter to a Cultist Nation 
Tuesday, December 12th, 2006 | 12:21 pm [humor, religion]
Steve

Letter to a Cultist Nation

 

Since the publication last year of my best-selling book, The End of Faith in Wacky Cults, I have been contacted by countless members of various wacky cults wishing to argue my points and dispute my conclusion that religious cults are the sanctuary of the emotionally- and intellectually-crippled.  “You don’t understand,” they insist, “we aren’t being manipulated and exploited by Glorious Transcendent Leader; Glorious Transcendent Leader brings to us the Truth of Enlightenment, the Real Knowingness of Being, and the Authentic Joy of Genuine Searchless Findingness!”  The most incomprehensible letters are those written by the true believers.  I know them to be true believers by their strange use of unnecessary capitalizations and tremendous verbosity.  This letter is written in response to the true believers, then, the followers of Moon and Phelps and Adi Da and Rael, the members of Heaven’s Gate too chickenshit to take the pills, the Branch Davidians who opted not to join their brothers and sisters in the compound, the Christian Scientists, and the Scientologists.

 

Dear Cult Member,

 

You’ve been duped.  You were seduced by the promise of knowledge and enlightenment, and instead all you got was the opportunity to be the third wife of a bearded, barrel-chested fellow named Jedediah, or spiritual permission to fuck your sister.  Either way, you’ve got to be slightly disillusioned.  I understand you can’t admit that to anyone, since Fearless Brilliant Chieftain does not react well to doubt, but the feeling is there.  It’s a good feeling.  You should listen to it, it’s a true feeling; truer than anything you’ve been fed by the Communion of God-Spirits, or whatever the hell yours is called, so far.

 

Let me guess:  You’ve belonged to a social out-group your whole life.  You never had many close friends, you were either estranged or very, very close to your parents, you’re probably a virgin, you’ve never found satisfaction in the teachings of traditional religion, but you just knew there was some greater truth out there waiting to be discovered.  Then you turned on the TV, or saw an ad in the newspaper, or met the most charming woman at a yard sale, and were started down the path to enlightenment.  You learned about the group – they have chapters in cities all across the country, and their members are lawyers and doctors and college English professors! – and about the Great Exalted Prophet, who was born to man and woman just as you were, saw visions as a child and soon realized his true calling:  to bring peace and illumination to men and women all over the world.  Then one glorious day you met Him, and the experience changed your life; he shared with you his Divine Essence and you knew your life had one purpose from then on:  to serve Him.

 

Flash forward a few years, you’ve got multiple spouses and a mess of kids, hair in places you’d never even considered, and a closet full of white cotton slacks/shirt combinations.  What went wrong?

 

Maybe your cult started out as a nice idea.  Maybe your Light-Touched Founder even had noble intentions that went beyond accumulating staggering wealth and getting laid whenever he wanted.  Jonestown started out that way.  Jim Jones had the “Rainbow Congregation,” a group of people of all races and all walks of life who lived together in peace and harmony.  No one had any reason to question the group or Jones.  Then one day Jim walked in and said, “Hey, why don’t we take all our money and give it to me?  I’ll keep an eye on it so no one can steal it, and if we need to buy anything, I can take care of it!”  And then a little while later, Jim walked in and said, “Hey, let’s all move to Guyana!  Come on, you guys, it’ll be sweet!”  A few years later, Jim walked in and said, “Hey, let’s all commit mass suicide!”  And that was the end of Jonestown.  It wasn’t founded as a death cult, but it ended up one.

 

What are the chances that out of all the people who have ever lived, prophets and philosophers and religious leaders included, your Man-God Top Dog is the one in all human history to have found the key to unlock the universe?  Moses, Jesus, Mohammad, Buddha, Confucius, Zoroaster, they all missed it, but the skinny white guy with long oily hair and a taste for eleven year-olds has got it all figured out?  I know, I know – once upon a time, Jesus and Mohammad were just local lunatics, too, but history has vindicated them and their teachings.  Let me explain it this way:  Followers of Jesus and Mohammad built cultures and civilizations of great accomplishment that have endured for centuries, and I still think some of them are a little nuts.

You follow this guy:  Adi Da, the Promised God-Man.

 

And he apparently considers that a good picture, because it’s all over his website.  Your Lord Master Deity is either a scheming conman or a deeply deluded fruitcake.  Either way, I suggest you tell him to fuck off and rejoin the rest of us out here in Jesusland.  It ain’t the best place, but it beats the shit outta Waco.

 

                                                                        Yours in Christ,

 

                                                                        Steve
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