Let me start by assuring you I have been very good this year. I’ve done my best to spread cheer and benevolence to all those I meet. I even started my own blog wholly dedicated to that purpose (where I’ll be posting a copy of this letter; I hope you don’t mind). Just yesterday I stopped to give a man directions to Dam #4 from Sharpsburg. I even gave him accurate directions, not like all those truck drivers when I worked at Pilot. I have broken no laws that I am aware of, except when I got pulled over a few weeks ago for my truck’s tag lights being out, which I don’t think should count because I never even noticed the fucking thing had tag lights before. I have broken several commandments, as usual, mostly that goddamn “name in vain” one. But I am happy to report that, thanks mostly to Ashley, my coveting is way down this year. I haven’t been perfect, but I should land quite comfortably on the “Nice” list, wouldn’t you say?
With that in mind, I have the following demands:
Father Christmas, give me some money. As you know, I quit my job this year to go back to school. I don’t miss working at Pilot, but I do miss having a little money in my pocket, even the meager pittance I pulled down cleaning showers, sweeping parking lots and listening to overweight, semiliterate truckers bitch about the price of diesel. If you could leave a large lump sum under the tree for me this year, I promise to donate some to charity. A real charity like the Salvation Army or Goodwill, not that Feed the Children shit.
A nice digital camera. Not one of those cheap ones to take vacation photos, I mean a real top of the line job. An SLR with a whole shitload of megapixels will do just fine. I’ve had this idea for a photo comic called Justice Friends for like two years now, and I’d like to get started on it before I fucking die of old age.
An HD digital camcorder. I’ve got movies to make. I know I could buy this with the pile of money I already asked you for, but I’m talking about a really state of the art camera here, one that’ll run me like $10,000 easy. Throw in sound equipment, a new computer and digital video editing software, and I’m up in the $40-50,000 range. Not much left over for fun money, know what I’m sayin’? So I’m counting on you, Kringle. Make it happen. Speaking of movies . . .
Give Christopher Nolan a decent script for the next Batman movie. For real. The guy is obviously a good filmmaker, and he’s got no problems in the casting department (the possible return of Katie Holmes notwithstanding). It was that shitty script by David Goyer that sank Batman Begins, and with The Dark Knight set to start shooting sometime next year for a 2008 release, leaving Chris a well-written screenplay free of microwave emitters and magic capes and rooftop car chases would be a truly wonderful gift. His brother Jonathan is supposed to be writing the thing, so maybe just point him in the right direction. That’d be toward Superman Returns and Hulk and Spider-Man 2, and straight away from Batman Begins and those other overrated atrocities shat out by Tim Burton and Joel Schumacher.
Kill the following people: George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Glenn Beck, Michael Reagan, Oprah, Dr. Phil, Bill O’Reilly, Ann Coulter, Freddie Prinze Jr., Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, Kevin Federline, Brett Ratner, Donald Trump, Rosie O’Donnell, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Rick Warren, Becky Fischer, Glenn Beck again, and, for old times’ sake, Osama bin Laden. I know this isn’t ordinarily the sort of thing you do, but you’ve been breaking and entering via chimney for as long as anyone can remember, without leaving so much as a piece of reindeer shit on the roof, which in my book makes you the perfect man for the job.
That’s all for this year. I’d hate to ask for too much. Expect cookies and milk on the table, as usual, and you know where the key to the liquor cabinet is if you feel like anything else. Help yourself. Of all the quasi-religious holiday figures (the Easter Bunny, Hanukkah Harry, Kwanzaa Kweisi), you are most definitely my favorite. Have a nice flight, and don’t feel bad if you can’t get everything on my list. I know it’s short notice, and there’s always next year!