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Steve Likes to Curse
Writing, comics and random thoughts from really a rather vulgar man
Riffing on Mail Call 
Thursday, January 4th, 2007 | 05:49 pm [commentary, hagerstown, mail call]
Steve

I realize it’s been awhile since I arrogantly ridiculed my local paper, so here goes – another round of riffing on Mail Call.  From today’s edition:

 

"This is to the person who stole our Tigger Christmas decoration on Friday, Dec. 29. I sure hope that you enjoy the decoration and am sorry that you could not afford to go and buy one for yourself. Now when we turn on our lights outside and the other balloons blow up, my 2-year-old son stands at the window and crys because his Tigger balloon is no longer there. Merry Christmas!"

 

Who do I feel sorry for here – the loser who wanted a Tigger Christmas balloon so fucking bad he stole it out of someone’s yard, the loser who wanted a Tigger Christmas balloon so bad he spent money to buy one, or whoever works for the Herald Mail who can’t spell “cries” properly?  Shall we just call it a three-way tie?  No, “crys” could have been a typo – it’s gotta be one of the Tigger people.  I’ll assume the thief was just trying to be a dick and had no particular attachment to the balloon.  Hell, maybe he was trying to do the neighborhood a favor by getting the fucking thing off the lawn.  No, the real villain here is the parent of the two year-old who bought the Tigger balloon in the first place, and the four or five thousand other area residents who have done the same thing.  Christ almighty, what is it with the Tigger shit, people?  I see grown women walking around with Tigger coats on, boldly proclaiming to the world, “I haven’t had sex once since my children were born!”  You might not believe me now, Tigger-less Mail Caller, but trust me – whoever stole that balloon did you a favor.

 

"This is in regards to the news on Friday night about the robbery outside the restaurant on Antietam Street. I think if the police would enhance the camera picture of the robber's face and show it - and I know they have that kind of equipment, they can do it - somebody would recognize who it is, but the way it is right now you really can't tell who it is."

 

-        Hagerstown

 

I don’t know if this caller is aware of this or not, but when the Washington County Sheriff’s Department managed to scrape together enough cash to buy one armored assault vehicle, it was front page news.  Pretty sure the County Sheriffs have a bigger operating budget than the Hagerstown Police Department, so they probably don’t have state-of-the-art video enhancement technology just sitting around.  Watch less CSI.  Especially less CSI: New York – that show is shit.

 

"How dare the caller say that Saddam Hussein was a noble person? I guess you would say the terrorists who flew the airplanes into the Twin Towers on 9/11 were noble, too. How anti-American of a statement can that be? Saddam Hussein has finally gotten what he deserves."

 

-        Hagerstown

 

This one forced me to look through some older editions to see if indeed someone called Saddam Hussein noble, or if this caller was just taking something out of context.  Here’s what I found, from the January 2 edition:

 

"Saddam Hussein said he would offer 'my soul to God as a sacrifice.' If only President Bush were this noble."

 

Yep, called Saddam “noble,” all right.  But I don’t see how it’s so anti-American for the caller to wish that President Bush would just go be with God already.  I can’t think of a better thing to happen to America at this point.  Saddam’s up there in Heaven right now, George, fucking 77 virgins, hanging with the prophets or whoever – and he tried to kill your father, man!  Go up there and get him!  We’re all behind you, George.  Just go to Heaven, for Christ’s sake.

 

From that same January 2 edition:

 

"Sorry to tell Larry Kump, but dogs have no spirit or soul, so there'll be no dogs in heaven. Also, there's still two lights out on the new bridge in Shepherdstown, and the town clock in Sharpsburg is still six minutes slow."

 

-        Hagerstown

 

You all remember Larry Kump, I’m sure.

 

Yeah, there’s the Kumpster.  Apparently he wrote a letter to the editor a little while ago about dogs going to Heaven.  Thanks to the Herald Mail’s useless search feature, I was unable to find the actual letter Larry wrote, but he must have really pissed some people off; not only was there this call into Mail Call, but another letter to the editor written to refute the Kumpster’s blasphemous notion that dogs – dogs! – could enjoy eternal life:

 

No dogs in heaven

 

To the editor:

 

Allow me to respond first to, "Dogs must go to heaven" by Larry D. Kump of Falling Waters, W.Va.

 

I will certainly agree that dogs, in countless situations, have proven the adage, "man's best friend." They can be very endearing, indeed, often saving human lives and very faithful to their master/mistress, showing unconditional love, even under cruel treatment. I'm convinced that our God created them for man's pleasure and benefit.

 

I've said all this to say, that Mr. Kump, if he makes heaven his eternal home, he may be disappointed, because he will not see any dogs there, not one. There's nothing in God's word, the holy Bible, that would indicate any kind of animal in that place prepared for those who love and serve Jesus here in this life.

 

Secondly, I wish to respond to "God, not obits, will be the judge," by Nancy Martin in Hancock, Md.

 

Allow me to agree with the writer's words as I quote: "The King James version of the Bible will be everyone's judge" What I cannot agree with, is in the last paragraph, as I quote: ", then we will not only meet the Lord at death, but will bypass the judgment seat"

 

Let me quote God's word: "But why dost thou judge thy brother? Or why does thou set at nought thy brother? For we shall all stand before the judgment seat of Christ."

 

That means every individual, including all the redeemed who have eternal life, will stand in the judgment.

 

Edgar M. Foltz Jr.

Greencastle, Pa.

 

Thanks for clearing that up for me, Edgar.  The grandkids must fucking love you:

 

“Why are you crying, little darling?”

 

“My puppy dog got hit by a car, Grandpa Edgar, and now I’ll never see him again.”

 

“That’s right, child!  Your puppy dog ceased to exist the moment his skull was crushed by that tire, and you’ll never, ever, ever feel his wet little nose or his soft, shiny fur again!  Nothing remains of your beloved pet but a fetid, rotting corpse with matted hair and cloudy eyes, and after the cremation even that will be gone forever!  Good child, you’ve been reading your Bible!  Are you crying now because you feel God’s love?”

 

What a dick.  You can have your dog-free Heaven, Edgar.  Have fun playing fetch with your Bible, douchebag.
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