Moon Yong-myung was born in 1920 in Sangsa-ri, a tiny village in Korea. In 1935, young Yong-myung was visited by Jesus, who told Yong-myung that it was his destiny to fulfill Jesus’ work of saving all mankind. Yong-myung ignored the plea of the blissful savior and attended school in Japan to become an electrical engineer. He soon realized it was not the career for him, and decided to give that saving humanity thing a try afterall. He legally changed his name to Sun Myung Moon, moved back to his homeland, and cleverly avoided the Korean War by spending the entire conflict in a North Korean prison camp.
In 1954, he founded the Unification Church in Seoul, South Korea. He married Hak Ja Han when she was 17 years old, and she soon gave birth to the first of an eventual army of children, 14 in total. Somewhere along the way, through devout prayer and much consideration, the Rev. Moon realized himself to be the Messiah, the second coming of Christ on earth. He also realized that, as the Messiah, he would have to personally approve everyone who wanted to get into Heaven from now on. And since, to his way of thinking, the only people who ought to be allowed in Heaven are those men and women united in a Unification Church-sanctioned Blessed Marriage, the Rev. Moon jumped to his feet and set to marryin’! In 1971, he moved to the United States, and in 1975 he presided over the mass-wedding of 1800 couples. By 1995 he was up to 360,000. In 1998, he claimed 360,000,000 blessings, and by 2004, it was 400,000,000.
With Heaven plenty full, the Rev. Moon set about filling Hell up, as well. It was only fair. He made sure Hell would be full of those nasty faggot gays. He described homosexuals as “dung-eating dogs,” and went on to point out the absolutely true and irrefutable fact that there is no homosexuality in the animal kingdom.
In 1982, Rev. Moon founded his own newspaper, The Washington Times. He spent nearly $2,000,000,000 to support and subsidize his paper, but all the hard work paid off. In 2005, 23 years after its first issue hit newsstands, The Washington Times could boast of a daily circulation of over 100,000, a full 1/7th of its bitter rival, The Washington Post. The Times eventually got the better of the Post in the battle for journalistic integrity, as well. Whereas the Post featured writers like Woodward and Bernstein in the 1970s, who unfairly brought down God’s chosen President, Richard Nixon, the pages of the Times presented giants such as Pat Buchanan and Tony Snow.
After being prosecuted by the Federal government for tax evasion in the 1980s, Rev. Moon decided it was time to start helping those less fortunate than he. In 1995, he generously donated $3,500,000 to Jerry Falwell to help with Falwell’s Liberty University, which was about to go out of business. Twenty years before, Falwell had compared the Rev. Moon to the plague in an interview with a national magazine, but that was all water under the bridge. The Rev. Moon was not only the Messiah, but the Savior and King of Kings of all humanity, so forgiving poor Jerry in his time of need was really the least he could do. Jerry got to keep his college, and the Rev. Moon made a new friend, so everyone was happy.
In 2002, the Rev. Moon received his latest and greatest vision. It seems that a council of great religious figures convened in Heaven. Among them was Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, and one or two other guys, too. They all decided that they wanted Rev. Moon to be in charge down here, to rule over the Kingdom of Peace. It’s nice to know we’re all in such good hands, isn’t it? How lucky we are to have a man as incredibly wealthy, powerful, and influential as the Rev. Moon looking out for us.