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Steve Likes to Curse
Writing, comics and random thoughts from really a rather vulgar man
“It was a joke; I’d never insult heinous cunts by comparing them to Ann Coulter” 
Monday, March 5th, 2007 | 02:56 pm [ann coulter, humor, jesus, politics]
Jesus

An Open Letter to Ann Coulter, From Jesus

 

Dear Ann,

 

I’ve heard you mention my name a few times, but I don’t believe we’ve ever met, so allow me to introduce myself.  I’m Jesus.  A lot of people — including you, from certain things you’ve said — have built their whole spiritual beliefs around me and some things I said and did two thousand or so years ago.  As both God and the Son of God, I have a few other credentials, like originating the universe, creating life, getting crucified, and playing myself in DeMille’s original silent version of King of Kings (which I’ve never gotten credit for, while I’m on the subject — not that I care about that sort of thing).  My qualifications and identity thus established, I have one question I’ve been meaning to ask you:

 

What the fuck is it with you?  Because I’ve read over your life again and again, and I can’t find anything that would account for you being this much of a cunt.  I read your entire Wikipedia entry (our version up here is even better than yours, way more info with about half as many errors) and it looks to me like you’ve had it pretty sweet.  College educated, a lawyer, a professional writer, worked in and around politics pretty much your whole life.  I see no evidence of ever having to work a real job.  The average calico fantail endures more hardship during one lap around the tank than you’ve faced since the day you were born, so what gives?

 

The other day when I was watching C-Span and I caught your speech at CPAC (which apparently stands for “Conservatives Playing At Civility”) was the last straw.  It’s bad enough you felt the need to name-call a presidential candidate, but why did you have to call him a faggot?  Not only is that sort of thing hateful and homophobic, but it makes no sense being that the dude’s not even gay!  Why not call John Edwards a nigger, since I know you’ve been dying to use that one in public anyway?  Did you even consider your fellow conservatives and Republicans presidential hopefuls who would be appearing at this conference — the ones who, I assume, were hoping to give their little talks in an atmosphere of decency and respect?  Granted, how decent can a conference devoted to keeping the minimum wage low and tax rates for the rich even lower possibly be? — but I didn’t hear Grover Norquist up there calling anyone a shitpacker.

 

Look, you have the right to be as much of a bitch as you want to be — I should know, I gave you the fuckin’ right.  But it seems pathological at this point.  Why would anyone want to behave so often like such a heinous cunt?  In public, no less.  Not just the “Edwards is a faggot” remark, but the time on Hardball when you called Al Gore “a total fag,” or when you said the 9/11 widows who spoke out against George W.’s retarded war in Iraq were enjoying the deaths of their husbands too much, or the time you said that the theory of evolution was suspect because only biologists ever talked about it and not “real scientists” like physicists — okay, so that last one isn’t so much hateful as titanically stupid, but I think I’ve made my point.

 

I know half the time you’re only joking (I don’t know what the fuck’s going on the other half), but you’re not funny is the thing.  You think you are, and someone obviously has encouraged you to explore that humorous side to your . . . “work,” but I’m telling you: you ain’t funny.  You fancy yourself this razor-sharp satirist, this shrewd, fearless polemicist who isn’t afraid to ruffle some feathers by saying what needs to be said, but Ann, none of that is true.  You are incapable of anything near insight, and if someone laughs at something you’ve written or said, all that means is that person doesn’t have a fucking sense of humor.  You suck.  You are painfully, excruciatingly, embarrassingly unfunny.  You’re like Glenn Beck with a penis.

 

All that being said, it’s not the real reason I’m writing to you.  My main purpose was to formally notify you that you will be going straight to Hell when you die.  We’ve had this allowance for death-bed salvation for a couple thousand years, but after discussing your case with God (A.K.A. Me) and a few of my most trusted advisors up here, I’ve decided to deny you that allowance.  So the good news is, the pressure’s off!  Go on and be all the beady-eyed little harpy that you can be.  You might as well, because even if you did a 180 and devoted every remaining second of your life to feeding and clothing the impoverished or teaching the illiterate to read, it wouldn’t make a lick o’ diff — you’re still goin’ ta Hell.  You may be wondering why you warrant such harsh treatment when I allow in serial killers who ask forgiveness on the walk to the gas chamber.  I admit, it’s a personal thing.  Ann, I just don’t like you all that much.  I never have — why else do you think you look the way you do?

 

So that’s it.  If I were you I’d start exercising and eating my vegetables, maybe take a few vitamin supplements in the morning with breakfast, because I just got off the phone with Satan before writing this, and goddamn is he anxious to get you down there.  He has got plans for you, girl!  I don’t want to spoil it for you, but have you ever been fucked in the eye by a white-hot-needle-encrusted iron penis?  Now you’ll have something to look forward to.  Be seeing you.

Oops — nevermind — no I won’t.

 

                                                            Yours in Me,

 

                                                            Jesus
Comments 
Monday, March 5th, 2007 | 11:40 pm (UTC) - what about her racist comments
Anonymous
Now that Ann Coulter has shown her homophobic views, everyone is outraged (even the generally antigay republicans are expressing their disapproval)but NO ONE, right or left was outraged when after 9/11 Ann Coulter stated her racist views on arabs and muslims in these words
"We should invade their countries, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity"
And these are not the only racist views she expresses.
Monday, March 5th, 2007 | 11:50 pm (UTC) - Re: what about her racist comments
You're absolutely right, I should have mentioned the anti-Muslim rhetoric she spits out, too. Thanks for pointing that out. There is no end to how vile this woman is -- racism, homophobia, pick your poison. If I'd had a weblog when she wrote the "invade their countries, kill their leaders" shit, I would have commented on it then, I'm sure. I should have this time, but I didn't. Except I think I just did ... Anyway, thanks for pointing out my oversight, you're 100% correct.

--Steve
Tuesday, March 6th, 2007 | 04:24 pm (UTC) - Ann Coulter
Anonymous
are you crazy . if jesus was to really send Ann Coulter a letter . he would praise her for her bravery and courage.
i mean i am an average american male. im sorry i dont like gays either. in the " REAL WORLD" no one likes them no one. and you no what it doesnt make someone a bad or evil person if they dont like someone. how about normal. i am not a fan of hers. but she has every right and priviledge to say her thoughts as much as you or anyone else. and you know what most of the real amaerica agress
Wednesday, March 7th, 2007 | 12:29 am (UTC) - Re: Ann Coulter
Anonymous
But you do not get it Ann is a man, ever know of her to have a DATE? with anyone?????
Thursday, March 8th, 2007 | 11:41 pm (UTC) - Re: Ann Coulter
Anonymous
Let's hope your level of understanding the "REAL WORLD" and so-called normality isn't equivalent to your grasp of the English language, which, if your spelling is any indication, can't be too far above a fourth-grader's. A really, really average fourth-grader.

Congratulations on your average-ness, and keep patting yourself on the back for never contributing anything remotely memorable or useful to society. That's pride, man.

Ashley, Steve's girlfriend
Tuesday, March 6th, 2007 | 07:03 pm (UTC) - Brilliant
Anonymous
It has been a long time that since I have read a piece of written literature that was informative, insightful, witty, funny, and straight to the point. BRILLANT. Frankly, I am speechless with your well thought out words. REALLY. Keep up the EXCELLENT work. I'll be reading your articles.
Tuesday, March 6th, 2007 | 09:03 pm (UTC) - Ann Coulter comments
Anonymous
While I'm not a particular fan of Coulter and it's obvious to all that her comments regarding Edwards were inappropriate and somewhat insulting, you political media types need to get a grasp of the real world. Your days are so focused on finding faux pas and 'politically incorrect' statements or murmurings amongst the political aficionados that you've lost touch with the everyday man or woman.

There is far too much going on in the daily lives of Mr and Mrs USA to spend a great deal of time oohing and ahhing about some stupid comment that came drooling out of a politico's mouth before they took the time to think it through. It appears to happen every day to somebody and you think we are all supposed to be so outraged that we run through the streets shouting "foul" and pulling out our hair. Who has time for that nonsense and who really gives a damn.

My advice is to spend some time away from your computer and the beltway scene. The only people who really get super worked up over this type of junk are the media and the folks that have nothing better to do in their lives except crusade for or against something (as well as those with an agenda). Now there's an idea....follow the crusaders around for a few days and I'll bet you could come up with some real juicy stories.

Mike
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