Normally I don’t go in for this sort of thing, but I saw it linked on the Herald Mail’s front page, and it sounded too stupid to pass up. For those of you that don’t know, MyHeritage.com has this feature where you can upload a photograph of yourself (or whoever the fuck else you want, really), and facial recognition software will check it against a database of over 3,000 celebrities, past and present. Then, you get to see which celebrities you look like. It’s not perfect. For one thing, as far as I can tell, there are no evil celebrities in there. I Googled a picture of Hitler and ran it through, and the nearest thing to a match was Ben Stiller. Close, but no cigar. Anyway, onto the real reason for today’s post: Gloating.
This is the pic of myself I used. Ashley took it. It’s a nice black and white shot of me, I’m not making a stupid face or trying to be funny, I’m not wearing my hat, and I’m more or less looking right at the camera. In other words, this is pretty much what I look like. So, I uploaded it, and a minute later, back came the results. In order:
Ho yeah! Not old, flabby, “Billy Joel impersonator” Tim Curry, but chiseled, young, sexy Tim Curry! Followed by Mr. Gary Cooper, not too fuckin’ shabby. And check out Jake Gyllenhaal up there. We could be twins. I’d be Jack Twist’s identical but somehow slightly sexier brother, and we’d pass Ennis back and forth like a goddamn peace pipe. Then there’s vintage Jane Russell – see how hot I’d be as a chick? And finally, Eric Bana, Bruce Banner himself. I know that I should probably be more flattered to be compared to Gary Cooper, but since I’m the only guy on the planet who thought Ang Lee’s Hulk movie was a brilliant piece of work, having Bana on the list makes the whole thing for me. I was just tickled to death to click over and see his face.
I always thought I looked like Finch in American Pie, but apparently I’m way, way, way hotter. Speaking of hotness, I ran a few photos of Ashley through this thing, too, and came up with some interesting results. But, I’ll save those for later on. Right now, I have to go jerk off in front of the mirror.
Go see who you look like.