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Steve Likes to Curse
Writing, comics and random thoughts from really a rather vulgar man
Come see beautiful Hagerstown, MD! 
Wednesday, May 30th, 2007 | 10:03 am [commentary, hagerstown, humor]
Steve
Memorial Day weekend is over and summer has unofficially begun. When you and your family sit down to plan your vacation this year, consider a visit to beautiful Hagerstown, MD! Hagerstown is the county seat of historic Washington County, situated plum in the middle of the gorgeous Appalachian Mountains, site of the bloodiest single day in American history, the Battle of Antietam! While you’re in the area, take the short drive to Boonsboro and visit exotic Crystal Grottoes Caverns, and see the original Washington Monument, erected in honor of our first president by the citizens of Boonsboro in 1827! Or visit legendary Fort Frederick near Clear Spring, an important location in the French and Indian, Revolutionary, and Civil Wars!
 
But historic sites aren’t the only reason to come visit the Hagerstown area — oh no! There’s so much more. While you’re in town, you might want to
 
  • Take in a ballgame at Municipal Stadium, where a crowd of Hagerstownians called future baseball legend Willie Mays a nigger during his professional debut in 1950!
  • Solicit a prostitute on scenic Prospect Street!
  • Shop at one of our many big box outlet stores! There are plenty to choose from — Wal-Mart, Home Depot, Dick’s Sporting Goods, Office Depot, Staples, Circuit City, Lowes — but hurry! Get here before the local tax exemptions expire and the buildings are abandoned to sit empty for decades!
  • Stop by our post office!
  • Treat yourself to a Ku Klux Klan rally at historic Antietam National Battlefield!
  • Visit some of our 11,000 local Christian churches, or our one Jewish synagogue!
Hagerstown isn’t just a fine place to visit — it’s an awesome place to live! We’ve been the home of countless celebrities and important people, including
 
  • Local weatherman Lou Scally!
  • Local humorist Tim Rowland!
  • Moderately successful screenwriter Douglas Scott Hessler!
  • Local magician and master of ceremonies Michael T!
  • 2006 Librarian of the Year Mary Baykan!
And so many more! We’re even the birthplace of Hunter Cross, a graduate of North Hagerstown High School who can be seen on the new season of The Simple Life on the E! channel! We’re so proud of Hunter we gave him a prominently featured story in our local version of the Boston Globe, The Herald-Mail! Apparently he’s been linked by at least one celebrity magazine to noted “celebutante” and convicted drunk driver Paris Hilton! Hunter even says they shared a “mutual attraction” — it’s right there in the headline! Imagine: there’s an outside chance one of our local boys may have contracted herpes from Paris Hilton! What are you waiting for? Pack your bags today for beautiful Hagerstown, Maryland!
 
. . .
 
You know what this town really needs? A newspaper. 

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Comments 
Wednesday, May 30th, 2007 | 02:43 pm (UTC)
I truly wish I was into the Civil War. I really, really do. No matter how hard I try to be enthused with it, I just cannot seem to make it fit. I used to dig reading about WW2 - just not the Civil War. It just never held my interest.

I grew up in southern California, and one of our neighbors was a huge Civil War buff. He would sit there at his dinning room table with maps of Gettysburg spread out all over the place. He was a hardcore Civil War nut. Here I am living in between Gettysburg and Antietam and I could really give two shits. When we go to Gettysburg, it’s to shop at the outlet mall.
Wednesday, May 30th, 2007 | 06:06 pm (UTC)
what the hell? This is news?!
Thursday, May 31st, 2007 | 03:47 pm (UTC)
My sentiments exactly.
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