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Steve Likes to Curse
Writing, comics and random thoughts from really a rather vulgar man
Cracked.com picks least shitty Batman 
Tuesday, June 19th, 2007 | 03:47 pm [batman, commentary, film, ranting]
Steve
Cracked.com posted a pretty funny article today rating the best movie Batmans (Batmen?), illustrated with pics and videos. I concur with their ranking, but they were a little hard on poor old Adam West. Sure, his costume looked ridiculous, his physique was pathetic and his Batman exhibited very few skills as an investigator or a fighter — but that was the point! It was a comedy! A show about a young, brilliant, physically impressive Batman beating up on villains played by aging character actors wouldn’t be very funny.
 
I take that back; that would be fucking hilarious.
 
By the same token, the blowjob they give Christian Bale’s Batman is a tad too enthusiastic. Through process of elimination he is inescapably the best Batman to date — but get real, son. His costume is just as shitty and clunky as Keaton’s, Kilmer’s and Clooney’s, just sans nipples and not quite so shiny. And he can turn his head a little more — a landmark evolution in the design. The Cracked article mentions the fight scenes, but doesn’t say why they were purposely edited to obscure most of the action: because the actor can hardly move in the fucking costume, let alone break out jeet kun do on an army of armed thugs. Why must the Batman costume be made of molded rubber? I’m not suggesting they send the guy out there in a black leotard, but what about something a little thicker than regular spandex, but still form-fitting, like the material used to make the Spider-Man and Superman costumes? I thought Brandon Routh’s suit in Superman Returns looked terrific; why not a Batman suit made the same way?
 
Would a Batsuit constructed of anything less than molded rubber armor strain credibility in regards to being bulletproof? I don’t think so, but even if it would, once you’ve made a film that features a tank-like Batmobile driving along from rooftop to rooftop, a Batsuit with a magical cape that transforms into a working hang-glider with a little jolt of electricity, and a microwave-emitting weapon which the villain plans to use to vaporize water polluted with a hallucinogen throughout an entire city, I’d say you are way past worrying about credibility.
 
The Dark Knight will be the seventh live-action Batman feature — somebody get the guy a decent costume. That’s all I’m saying.
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