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Steve Likes to Curse
Writing, comics and random thoughts from really a rather vulgar man
Here's why you never give a live mic to someone named Warrior 
Thursday, August 10th, 2006 | 08:12 pm [humor, video, wrestling]

I haven’t written about it here before today, but I’m a fan of pro wrestling.  Maybe I should call it a guilty pleasure, but I don’t feel that guilty about it.  I’ve been watching it since I was six years old, and I’ve gone from a little kid who was absolutely convinced it was a legit sport and always rooted for the good guys to win, to an adult who knows it’s all a work and now selects his favorite wrestlers based on their talent, not the disposition of their characters.  Most of what I see on TV these days I don’t like.  I loathe the phrase “sports entertainment,” and a lot of what WWE has been doing for the last few years just bores me to tears.  I like some of what I see from TNA, but it’s a mixed bag.  But I don’t want to talk about what’s going on in wrestling today.  I want to talk about a guy who used to be a big deal, one of the top names in North America from 1989 until around 1992.  His ring-name was the Ultimate Warrior.  You wrestling fans will know exactly who I’m talking about.  You non-wrestling fans may have heard of him.  What you non-wrestling fans may not be aware of is this:  the Ultimate Warrior is completely fucking insane.


Since he retired from wrestling in 1999 following a series of increasingly unsuccessful attempts at a comeback, Warrior (and that’s his name, by the way, “Warrior” – he legally changed it from Brian James Hellwig in 1993) has maintained a presence on the internet at www.ultimatewarrior.com, and has tried to set himself up as a kind of conservative self-help guru/deep thinker.  Most of his posts at the website have dealt with either the wrestling business and how totally fucked it is without him, or his efforts to become a cult leader through projects like Warrior University.  Every once in awhile, he’ll be invited somewhere to give a talk, I’d like to think by people who just need a good laugh.  If you remember his rambling, incoherent promos as a wrestler, just think of those and replace the grunts and snarls with windy, pretentious words of the kind Mike Tyson started using after he got out of prison, and you’ve got the gist of his style.  What Warrior seems to desire more than anything else is for you to think he is smart, and so rarely will he waste a sentence by not shoehorning in at least a few awkwardly employed proofs of his uncanny intelligence.  I checked out his website today just before writing this up, and even his “under construction” page reeks of pseudo-intellectualism.  Click the link up there and see for yourself; instead of “bear with us,” or “check back soon,” or some other phrase a normal fucking human being would use, it says “engage patience.”  It takes a lot of work to come off as a self-congratulatory prick of this magnitude, but Warrior pulls it off without breaking a sweat.  Too bad he never had that kind of stamina in the ring; the guy worked maybe a half-dozen televised matches that went over 15 minutes, and during most of those he probably would have collapsed without a superior worker like Rick Rude or Randy Savage (back in the day, now) to carry his useless ass.


But I wander.  Anyway, like I said, he gets invited to speak every now and then.  Last April, the University of Connecticut hosted such an occasion.  Someone posted it to YouTube, so instead of me going on about it, just watch the fucking thing.  Witness for yourself Warrior’s mastery of reason, logic, and the parts of the English language necessary to being a phony know-it-all.  And see how he responds to audience disagreements like a mature, emotionally secure adult.


Ain’t that some shit?  And some people thought Jesse Ventura as governor of Minnesota was embarrassing.  The University of Connecticut invited him to speak.  I hope at least it was for shit pay.

Saturday, August 12th, 2006 | 03:56 am (UTC)
Have you ever seen pics from his short-lived comic book? One issue featured him beating up Santa Claus for no reason, loaded with S&M. Probably the most unintentionally hilarious comic book of all-time, and that says a lot.
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