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Steve Likes to Curse
Writing, comics and random thoughts from really a rather vulgar man
Riffing on Mail Call 
Thursday, August 30th, 2007 | 04:09 pm [commentary, hagerstown, humor, mail call, politics, ranting]
There’s always room for Mail Call! Here are some of the calls and emails the Herald Mail has received (and devoted significant portions of its printed editions to) lately, along with my smartass comments.
"I am so sick and tired of opening up the newspaper and seeing the advertisement for the strip clubs in the area. This town does not need to have those kind of places in this area. Those girls can get a respectable job like everybody else and stop taking their clothes off for a living. If we get rid of those things and get rid of the dirty book stores in this town and also the bars, this town would be a much nicer place to live in." - Smithsburg
This person’s talking about Smithsburg? I mean sure, I’d expect titty bars in a dump like Funkstown, but Smithsburg? Or is it more a generalization about the area — Hagerstown and the rest of Washington County, perhaps even including stripper-rich Martinsburg? Of course we don’t need strip clubs in this area. Nobody ever needs a stripper for anything, unless she’s also a certified EMT. We don’t need bars or liquor stores or “dirty book stores” (like the one I caught Mr. Snyder, history teacher at Clear Spring High School, in on two separate and totally random occasions), either. We could also do without motorcycle shops, tobacco specialty stores, and “clean” book stores — Borders ever saved anyone’s life? I don’t like strip clubs, either. I’ve never been to one, never want to go. They strike me as sleazy, and demeaning to the women on stage and the men (and women) watching. But we live in this thing called a free country. People have the right to own and operate strip clubs, and bars and liquor stores, synagogues, mosques, pretty much whatever they feel like. This is a good thing. If you don’t like having the strip clubs and bars in your town, come up with something more fun for perverted drunks to do on their off hours. Personally, I’m tired of all the free publicity churches get in the goddamn newspaper. I guess I’ll have to suck it up and get the fuck over it.
"Someone wrote in 'I owe my life to unprotected sex.' Let me add to that: I owe my life to my parents didn't abort me." - Hagerstown
Let me see what trumped-up political issue to which I can credit my existence . . . Oooh! I owe my life to my mother not getting the HPV vaccine. I’ll get back to you later with the how and why.
"I just want to say 'boo hoo' to the NAACP and whoever else is crying about Michael Vick. It's not a black and white issue. It's about being stupid. They fired Imus for a silly statement. All you need is a little common sense." - Falling Waters, W.Va.
The NAACP should really pick better spots to take their increasingly pitiful stands, so you’re right there. Though I think it was only the Georgia chapter, not the national organization of the NAACP that took up for Vick. You’re wrong about one thing, though — it’s not about being stupid; it’s about being evil. Sure, Michael Vick is stupid. So are a lot of other people who decide to not beat and torture scores of dogs to death and run an illegal gambling ring centered on one of the most indefensibly barbaric sports still in existence. Stupid is not Vick’s fatal flaw. I hope whatever prison they send him to for his pitiful 12-18 month sentence has a few 300-pound dog lovers in the population.
"Bush is like Hitler. He caused an occupation of a country that was illegal, because there were fabricated reasons for doing so. As a result, tens of thousands of Iraqi civilians have been murdered, as well as more than 3,500 of our own troops. There are several impeachment movements going on, one of which are by a group of veterans." - Hagerstown
Before I get too far into this, let me reiterate my opinion on George W. Bush, lest there be any misunderstanding about what I am about to say: fuck George W. Bush. He’s the worst president ever and I have nothing good to say about him as a politician or a human being. Fuck him up his smirking, war-mongering ass. That said, he’s not Hitler and the war in Iraq is not illegal. The war is incredibly unnecessary and stupid, and tens of thousands of civilians have died needlessly, along with tens of thousands of soldiers on either side, but the war was perfectly legal. Saddam’s government had violated numerous United Nations resolutions, and even though he had no weapons of mass destruction when the war was launched and our intelligence either failed or deliberately overlooked that fact prior to the invasion, he had possessed and used such weapons before, so it’s not as if the initial premise for the war was unreasonable. It was still a colossal mistake from the very beginning and it’s still a humongous mess that Bush, classy bloke he is, will soon be passing on to his successor, but let’s not undermine this very serious issue by going overboard with rhetoric as overblown and silly as “Bush is Hitler.” Hitler presided over the murder — not military deaths, not civilian casualties due to a bombing or something — the deliberate, calculated murder of over 6 million people. Plus, he started fucking World War II, which I believe was a much bigger deal and directly affected about ten times the number of people as Bush’s war. Rip Bush a new asshole all you want — he deserves it — but keep a little perspective, for Christ’s sake.
"I would like to know why people who have lived together for years and have children, then have a great big wedding, invite a lot of people. To me that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard of. Get married, yes, but to me, do it privately. It doesn't make any sense to me whatsoever. Talk about putting the cart before the horse." - Hagerstown
Who knows? I’d like to know why people give a shit whether complete strangers are married or not, or how big their weddings are. If you know a couple who have been living together for years and have children, and you object to the lavish wedding they’re planning for themselves, there’s a really easy way to object: don’t go to the fucking wedding. Last time I checked, it wasn’t compulsory. I’m annoyed by big weddings, period — be they for people who have lived together for years, or for two young kids just out of school. Why can’t all weddings be quiet, private and dignified rather than obnoxious public affairs? And what’s up with funeral processions? I got stuck behind one today that must’ve been twenty cars long. I couldn’t even see the hearse. They were leaving Williamsport and I limped along behind them at about 40 miles an hour all the way to Sharpsburg, at which point they turned and slowly made their way out of town toward Boonsboro like an enormous boa constrictor made of Lexuses, Stratuses and various SUVs. Aren’t funerals sad enough? Do you really have to inflict your misery on everyone else who happens to be going in the direction of whatever far-flung, god-forsaken cemetery you’re off to plant the fucker in?
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