Verbatim magazine released its list of the Most Overrated Nouns this week. Topping the list: “thesicle” — not a bad choice, I guess, but I’d have gone with “xeronisus,” I think, just for the sake of . . .
No, actually Radar Magazine, a condescending publication staffed by unbearable faux-hip writers, published a list of the most overrated people, places and things in its October issue. Sitting in the number one spot are celebrity super-couple David and Victoria Beckham. No complaints there — any soccer player who gets paid more than any minor league baseball player is automatically overrated, and for the life of me I can’t figure out what it is Victoria Beckham is supposed to do. Show up at premieres and stand still for photographers — that’s pretty much it?
They got it right a few other times, too. “Oprah’s heart” is at #6. Fucking hallelujah and amen to that, but I’d have stopped at just “Oprah.” I’ve got no arguments with “Anderson Cooper” (#24), “J.J. Abrams” (#35), or “Winning an Oscar, as career boost” (#39, and just ask Cuba Gooding Jr. about that one). They also have a list of unranked honorable mentions, including “Ronald Reagan,” “Interesting facial hair,” and “Jim from The Office,” all of which are right on — don’t get me wrong, Jim’s cool, but he’s no Tim. And my feelings on the creepy Republican veneration of Ronald Reagan ought to make a decent long-serious-political blog entry/American Chronicle article someday.
A few of the other entries on the list lose me. “Cupcakes,” for example, lands at #2. The accompanying explanatory article cites hype of the moist, frosted desserts by SNL’s “Lazy Sunday” sketch (itself enormously overrated) and “people who wear leggings under their dresses” as support. Fair enough, but can anyone seriously suggest that cupcakes — sweet, delicious cupcakes — are more overrated than “Grey’s Anatomy” (#26) or “Ryan McGinley” (#41, who fucking wishes he were Larry Clark)? You’d have to be out of your mind.
“Going to Mars” is up there, too. Fuck you, Radar Magazine. “The cult of Stephen Colbert” is also on the list, which puzzles me since the guy who over-hypes the cult of Stephen Colbert the most is Stephen Colbert. He does it ‘cause it’s funny, see. Fifth from the top on the honorable mention pile is “Steve Carell,” which blows me away; I don’t think it’s even possible to overrate Steve Carell. The guy is just brilliant. How he can be on the same list as “Justin Timberlake” is beyond me.
Number 32, “‘Smart’ superhero movies,” is a head-scratcher. The first film mentioned in the explanation is Batman Begins, which should’ve made the list all by itself because of how exalted it is among the great unwashed in general and comic book geeks in particular, despite the fact that it blooooooooooooows, but then they go on to mention Superman Returns, the Spider-Man films, and the first two in the X-Men franchise. Stop the bus, retards — those are superhero movies that actually are smart, as opposed to Batman Begins, which climaxes with the world’s greatest detective deliberately crashing a train into a public building in the middle of a densely populated city in order to destroy a weapon that he could have just turned off two seconds after he jumped on the train.
I also object to a few things being left off the list. “The Lord of the Rings,” for instance. Or “the beach.” And where the fuck is “Dane Cook” on this fucking thing? Leave him off your Most Overrated list and you might as well omit Rosie O’Donnell from your Untalented Cunts list.
The Radar list also mentions “blogging” — at the top of the honorable mention pile, in fact. That much they got right. Blogging is way overrated and so are the self-important assholes who do it. Especially pricks like me who insist on doing it every-fuck-day. Really, ask Ashley, ask Varjak, ask anyone who knows me personally — I’m insufferable. To occupy the same room with me for more than ten seconds is enough to send pornographically violent murder fantasies through the mind of the serenest Jain on the planet.