There’s this guy who works maintenance at the library’s main branch who wants to fuck my girlfriend. He sent her an email yesterday with pictures of himself (and a woman he was careful to identify as his sister) holding a “Back to School” (or “BTS” as all the cool people say) rally at one of his churches. He’s a minister, you see. A preacher, a spreader of the Good WordTM. He’s founded several churches in the area. He is a big fucking deal – as far as library janitors go, anyway. I don’t feel like I have much to worry about here. I love Ashley, and she loves me, and we’re happy together. Plus, she’s so resentful of Christianity after over twenty years of compulsory church-going that she’s as likely to piss on Jesus’ shoes as smile and wave hello, so the whole “I’m a minister!” thing doesn’t impress her.
Still, she says he’s a nice guy and asked me not to slander him on the blog. So I’m not going to (nor will I libel him, smartasses). I won’t give his name, I’ll just inform you that the handle he uses for his email address is Lord’s Warrior. And I’ll show you the pictures. Apparently, his “ministry” consists of proving the power of God by smashing concrete blocks with his head, ala the Power Team. This is irrefutable proof of the truth of Christianity, since we all know that no Jew or Muslim or Confucian could ever possibly break a concrete block, let alone some wimpy atheist. In the interest of not slandering this proud soldier of Christ, I have doctored the pictures, replacing his own affably vapid grin with the face of another guy who used his status as a minister to try and score some pussy: Jimmy Swaggart.
Apparently he has cut his hair since those pictures were taken. Good for him. In my religion, no one with a mullet gets into heaven.