A few weeks ago I engaged in some idle speculation over who J.J. Abrams and his lackeys over there at Paramount might cast as Captain Kirk in the new Star Trek film, which, in a veritable orgy of creativity, they have chosen to title Star Trek. In the last few days, two front-runners seem to have emerged, at least according to internet rumors I have read on respectable hard news websites like Reuters and IESB.
The first name, mentioned in this article from IESB, is Mike Vogel, award-winning star of stage and screen . . . perhaps, someday. For now, his only credits of note are minor roles in 2003’s shitty remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and Poseidon, last year’s shitty remake of The Poseidon Adventure. He’s 28, and might halfway look the part if they give him a proper hairstyle instead of that carefully disheveled trendy pretty-boy bullshit he’s sporting to the left there. Checking over his IMDb entry, I see he also starred in Havoc, a gussied-up Kids wannabe and Anne Hathaway vehicle. A real piece of shit, don’t see it if you don’t have to.
Contestant #2 is Chris Pine, a 27 year-old from California whose main claim to fame is co-starring with insatiable coke-vacuum Lindsay Lohan in last year’s critically savaged romantic comedy, Just My Luck. Physically he’s a more immediate fit than Vogel. He certainly has a less nauseating haircut, at least in that picture. He also has a look on his face that doesn’t make me want to smash him in the mouth with a baseball bat, which gives him another one on ol’ Mikey. Plus, the news about young Mr. Pine — courtesy this Reuters article — is about two weeks fresher than the rumors putting Vogel in line for the part. Strangely enough, this would-be Kirk also shared the screen with Anne Hathaway in a godawful cinematic abortion, The Princess Diaries 2. Remember that if you ever play Six Degrees of Separation with Pine and Vogel — Anne Hathaway, one degree. No matter who gets the part, at least they both know what it’s like to suffer for their craft.
You may have noticed that neither of these two are found in my article on the subject from a few weeks ago. There is a very good reason for that: Until tonight, I had no idea who the fuck they were. Like I keep up with hot young actors. They all look like that asshole who played Whitney on Smallville to me, anyway. There’s a guy I’d like to hit with a truck. What’d Lana ever see in him?