An Open Letter to Lung Cancer
Dear Lung Cancer,
Recently, I have seen something on television that has moved me to write to you. After extensive research which included Googling “cancer” and clicking through several of the links, I have discovered that you are responsible for the deaths of more women annually than any other form of cancer. You kill more women than breast cancer or ovarian cancer, or other types more commonly associated with women. This past March, you were the cause of the death of Dana Reeve, a woman who had never smoked, and was widely admired for her activism and charity work. She was only one of the 70,000 women who will die of lung cancer in the United States this year. You are often difficult to diagnose, and problematic to treat. As a result, 88% of the women diagnosed with lung cancer this year will die.
I am writing to request that you kill Hilary and Haylie Duff. Perhaps you have seen the advertising for their new film, Material Girls, which opens this Friday. In the film, the Duff sisters portray rich heiresses who lose their fortunes and are forced to work for a living. Material Girls is completed and ready for release. It cannot be prevented at this late date. Perhaps if I had been more vigilant, I could have written you sooner. The agonizing deaths of the Duff sisters by lung cancer can still prevent the completion and release of subsequent films, however. Here is the IMDb plot summary of Hilary Duff’s next feature, Outward Blonde, categorized as in pre-production:
After failing gym, a snotty New Yorker is sent to an Outward Bound program.
Swift action on your part can prevent the completion and release of this film. Not only that, but all future Hilary and Haylie Duff vehicles will be averted. The necessity for your intervention is obvious; had Hitler only contracted fatal lung cancer in the 1930s, six million Jews would not have perished in Nazi death camps. You shunned your duty then; you can redeem yourself now.
Killing the Duff sisters would not only benefit all of mankind, it would also allow you to rehabilitate the image of yourself and other cancers. How long will you stand by and allow yourself to be disparaged as “the cancer that killed Peter Jennings,” when from this day forward you can be revered as “the cancer that killed Hilary and Haylie Duff?” And why stop there? Once you have established your credibility, there is no limit to the number of tween starlets you will have at your mercy, all of whom the world would be better off without. Even now, the Lindsay Lohans, Olsen Twinses, JoJo Levesques, and Amanda Byneses of the world are busying themselves at making vapid teen romances and hip updates of Shakespeare. You can end it. You have the power to put a stop to it once and for all. You need only the will.
Lung Cancer, the time is now. Act, before the Duff sisters star in a remake of Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? By then, it may be too late.
Yours in Christ,
Feel free to metastasize into their brains and bones. From what I understand, as long as the cancer starts in the lungs, you still get credit – so go nuts.