The thing is, I lack a moral center or scruples of any kind. Therefore, I have no reluctance to step on someone less fortunate in order to improve my own circumstance. As you might figure, this makes the ongoing WGA strike a golden opportunity. I’ve spent the last few weeks feverishly writing and dispatching pitch after pitch to Hollywood studios, in the hope of securing that big career-making sale. Unfortunately — and when you see the superior pedigree of my work for yourself in a moment, I’m sure you will be as shocked and infuriated at this as I was — I have been answered only with apathy and rejection.
My window of opportunity is small and shrinking, for I well realize that once the strike is settled I will be unable to find a job in Hollywood mopping jizz, as punishment for stepping across the picket line. So I have decided to go public. To all the motion picture executives who read this blog on a daily basis, consider this my anything-goes fire sale. Examine the pitches below, each of which has been rejected by your unimaginative, short-sighted competition, and contact me with your best offer. Below are only brief, thumbnail descriptions; full treatments can be furnished upon request, along with casting suggestions and other helpful ideas. Now, onto the pitches.
First to be rejected was my concept for a bold, hip, urbanized re-imagining of a classic children’s story. This film would appeal to children, teenagers and adults from a broad cross-section of social backgrounds, combine a whimsical fable with a credible and unflinching portrait of modern inner city life, and offer roles to some of the most popular and edgy hip-hop artists in the recording industry today: Dr. Seuss’s Horton Hits a Ho.
I was shown the door by an executive at Disney for this next one, an innovative and timely story that capitalizes on the popularity of actress America Ferrara. The film would place her established television persona, a proven ratings draw, into the classic milieu of the Old West, where she would portray a gunslinger tormented by multiple personality disorder. I call it, The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly Betty.
Next, I offered the premise for a stylish and thought-provoking psychological thriller, a horror film with brains in the mold of the work of producer Val Lewton. It is the dark and disturbing tale of a city menaced by a race of monsters who can transform themselves into putrid heaps of manure: Scat People.
Rejected by a clueless desk jockey at Fox Searchlight was my idea for a film that would combine one of their most successful releases of the last few years with an overlooked slice of history from rural America. A young girl and her family of lovable oddballs find laughs and life lessons as they smuggle illegal booze through Prohibition-era Tennessee in, Little Miss Moonshine.
Finally, every studio in town passed on my best idea yet, the revival of one of the sturdiest action franchises in Hollywood history, a guaranteed box office winner. I am sure that Clint Eastwood would be only too happy to return to direct and star in the latest installment of his Dirty Harry series once he hears my concept for the violent, gripping, and ultimately moving story of Detective Harry Callahan’s return to the University of San Francisco. I liked this one so much, I even took the trouble of making a mock-up of the poster. Check it out:
Thank you, good night!