Illuminati endorses Ron Paul
INGOLSTADT, GERMANY — In a move shocking to followers of American politics and global clandestine conspiracies alike, the Illuminati, the extremely powerful and influential cabal of bankers, heads of state, and aristocrats which secretly controls all the governments of the world, has endorsed Texas Congressman Ron Paul for the Republican nomination for the Presidency of the United States.
Paul, who has kept his third-tier candidacy in the news by actively courting conspiracy theorists and other potential voters who are generally suspicious of authority, is the candidate most obviously opposed to the Illuminati and its sinister plot to undermine the sovereignty of all nations and deprive the citizens of the Earth of their most basic human rights. Everyone from pundits to Congressman Paul himself are struggling to make sense of the surprise endorsement.
Helmut Kohl, former Chancellor of Germany and currently a high-ranking officer in the Illuminati, spoke with reporters this morning, claiming the endorsement was widely supported within the organization, and makes perfect sense. “We have selected Ron Paul to be President of the United States because his administration would best facilitate the accomplishment of our many abominable goals,” Kohl said. “Think about it, if you were a worldwide conspiracy of the powerful, bent on enslaving the human race and mining the planet’s rich natural resources for your extraterrestrial masters, who would you want to be president — a wealthy man with millions of supporters who thinks he can throw his weight around, or some pathetic little nobody from Texas who raises funds over the internet from southern separatists who spend their days ranting about the Federal Reserve and the Trans-Texas Corridor from beneath their aluminum foil hats? It seems like an obvious choice to me.”
Kohl explained further that “we learned our lesson this last time around with Bush. We thought he’d be our perfect guy — the son of one of our most important members, incredibly wealthy, mentally pretty much a blank slate . . . We even trusted him to run the Iraq operation himself. Big mistake,” said Kohl, looking aside and shaking his head. “Sure, the 9/11 operation went all right, I guess, but then the idiot goes and frames Bin Laden for the whole thing! Then why are you bombing Baghdad, dummy?! He damn near exposed the entire project with that one!”
Congressman Paul released a statement through his campaign, written on the back of a Bob Evan’s napkin, accepting the endorsement. He also resolved not to return the approximately $50,000,000 donated to his campaign through the Illuminati’s various affiliated front organizations.