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Steve Likes to Curse
Writing, comics and random thoughts from really a rather vulgar man
Six Degrees of Paris Hilton 
Thursday, March 13th, 2008 | 03:10 pm [humor]
Kevin Bacon might be at the center of the Hollywood universe, but he's not alone.  In fact, the "six degrees of separation" hypothesis holds that every individual on Earth is connected to everyone else through chains of mutual acquaintances.  We're all no more than six degrees removed from each other.  If this is true (and lots of people think it's total horseshit), in addition to making the world even smaller than it already is, it opens up an unprecedented new source of irritating and humiliating party games.

I did a little research and discovered a startling, Kevin Bacon-like phenomenon that permeates that lamentable demographic of society who suffer from venereal diseases.

Safe sex advocates for years have reminded us that when we sleep with someone, we are also sleeping with everyone else they've slept with before.  This principle provides the foundation for my hypothesis.  It seems, if my theory is sound, that every recent case of a sexually transmitted disease — any sexually transmitted disease, from syphillis to HIV to HPV — can be traced, in six steps or less, back to Paris Hilton.

Let's start with a simple example:

Now, in this case the STD in question — herpes simplex virus 2 — was probably introduced into the chain by Paris Hilton, who transmitted it to Canseco, who passed it along to your ex-girlfriend, who in turn transmitted it to you.  But this need not always be the case.  In many cases, though Ms. Hilton will always be the final link in the chain, she will have received the disease in question from the previous link, not the other way around.  My theory doesn't hold that every contemporary case of STD originates with Paris Hilton, merely that an unbroken line can be drawn from any recent venereal infection to Paris Hilton, with relatively few intervening steps.

I've prepared another example, demonstrating that this phenomenon affects women as well as men:

Both examples so far have been simple chains, with only three steps separating your infection from Paris Hilton.  However, the theory also appears sound when longer, more intricate connections are made.  For instance:

The above example also demonstrates that the connection to Paris Hilton need not be made through a succession of celebrities.  The staggering scope and breadth of Ms. Hilton's promiscuity allows for many chains to be constructed with herself as the only celebrity link, and dark, shameful family secrets making up the rest.

Observe two further examples which I believe confirm my hypothesis:

As you can see, even in chains that are dominated by celebrities, the phenomenon appears to encompass celebrities from a wide variety of fields, from film and television, to music, to politics.  I believe this is due to Paris Hilton's overwhelming need for attention and approval, which, enabled by her immense inherited wealth and utter lack of standards in selecting sex partners, has compelled her to move in many different social circles over the years, receiving and passing on every sexually transmitted disease known to man at one point or another.

Where do I pick up my Nobel Prize?
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