The other day my mom sends me an email that ends rather cryptically like, "Make sure you watch the newspaper for a story about someone you know." And, as is my custom with most things pertaining to our local paper, the Old Gray Lady With Dementia, the Herald-Mail, I forgot all about it. Today, I get another email from mom, this one including a link to this article from today's paper, written by Janet Heim:
Trained pet rabbit free to roam Clear Spring home
CLEAR SPRING - As rabbits go, Joyce Shives' pet, Cole, looks like your typical rabbit. On closer inspection, though, Cole isn't exactly typical.
The Shives family of Clear Spring adopted the black Polish rabbit in October 2004 after their oldest son, Steve, now 27, got Cole from a friend whose landlord said the 6-month-old rabbit had to go.
And you can read the rest of it here, if you want. It's a cute story, most of the details are right, but it's a shame it isn't a better written article. Look at that opening sentence: "As rabbits go, . . . Cole looks like your typical rabbit." What the fuck is that? Then she repeats herself again, reusing "typical" in the very next sentence. Are there editors that work for this paper? Do they read the stories before they go to press? Because for a story this poorly composed — about my very own mother and goddamn rabbit, no less — to make it to print is fucking pitiful. Here, look how easy it is to fix. Instead of what I quoted above, try this: "As rabbits go, Joyce Shives' pet Cole looks rather typical. On closer inspection, though, he is anything but."
It wouldn't snag you the Pulitzer, but it's a hell of an improvement, and it took me like five seconds to write. Get off your asses, Herald-Mail editors, should you in fact exist. I don't think this sort of thing should really even be in the paper, but since it's about my awesome mom and my awesome rabbit, I will give you a pass on that. But next time one of your hack reporters writes something about my mom or my rabbit, I want that shit tight!