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Steve Likes to Curse
Writing, comics and random thoughts from really a rather vulgar man
Happy birthday, Maryland 
Tuesday, March 25th, 2008 | 10:03 am [history]
On this date in 1634, Cecil Calvert, 2nd Lord Baltimore, sent the first settlers to his newly chartered colony, which he named Maryland in honor of King Charles I's Queen Consort, Henrietta Maria.  Lord Baltimore himself was a Catholic, and wanted the colony to be a haven for his brethren, who were having a hard time under Protestant rule in England.  Most of the settlers turned out to be Protestants, but the colonial government was dominated by Catholics.  The two groups didn't always get along, but the Maryland General Assembly did manage to pass one of the first laws guaranteeing religious freedom in the New World, the Maryland Toleration Act of 1649.  It only actually guaranteed freedom of worship to people who practiced some form of Christianity, ignoring Jews and Muslims among many other faiths, but it was a start.

Today, Maryland is the richest state in the country in terms of median income, yet our government has operated with an enormous deficit for the last several years.  We're home to 18 colleges and universities, the National Institutes of Standards and Technology (the guys who decide what time it is, and how long an inch is), and the world renowned Johns Hopkins Hospital; we're also home to more crackheads per capita than just about anywhere else in the country.  Our state capital, Annapolis, is home to the U.S. Naval Academy.  We're the home of a Major League baseball team and two NFL franchises, yet our official state sport is the joust.  During the American Civil War, Maryland did not secede to join the Confederacy, and 77% of Maryland veterans of that war, including a great-grandfather of mine, Daniel H. Shives, fought for the Union; yet you can't walk ten feet through Washington County without seeing a rebel flag being flown by someone.

So we, like the United States itself, are a land of contradiction.  But in the midst of everything good and bad about my state, there is one thing that is undeniable, that no one can ever take from us.  We might be small (only eight states with fewer square miles), we might be overtaxed (state income tax and a just-raised 6% sales tax), we might be crawling with drug addicts, and the Orioles might not have had a winning season in eleven years, but we've got the best-goddamn-looking flag in the country — nay, I daresay the world.

Look at that gorgeous son of a bitch, would you?  Just go ahead and admit it, residents of other states:  you're jealous.  I'm not much of a flag person normally, but I know enough to know that our Maryland flag is the sharpest, most unique, most all-around fucking awesome one you're ever likely to see.  The design is a combination of the banners of the Calvert family (the black and gold parts) and the Crossland family (Calvert's mother's family, the red and white crosses), and it's the only U.S. state flag to incorporate elements of British heraldry.  That must be why it looks so fucking boss.  Those Brits know their flag design.  I love Old Glory as much as anyone — a grand old flag, she is — but on pure aesthetics, the Union Jack is much better.  It's almost as nice as our awesome Maryland state flag.
Tuesday, April 29th, 2008 | 03:56 pm (UTC)
I wipe my ass with that flag. Oh, by the way, fuck Maryland and FUCK the Washington Deadskins.
Tuesday, April 29th, 2008 | 07:29 pm (UTC)
Oh, now you're just being difficult. Name me a better-lookin' state flag than ours.

As far as the Redskins, I detest football, so you ain't hurting my feelings. I'm with you. Fuck 'em, and fuck every other team in the NFL right along with 'em.

What's the bug up your ass about Maryland?
Tuesday, April 29th, 2008 | 08:43 pm (UTC)
It is funny how you mention highest median income when most of the fucking losers who live in Maryland work in Mordor (DC) and steal money from the real wage earners in this country.

By the way, America never had a civil war. A civil war is when two or more side fight over control of the same government. Of course you probably went to a government school and learned "history".
Tuesday, April 29th, 2008 | 10:43 pm (UTC)
What's that you say? America never had a Civil War? Oh my God, I have never heard that semantic, hair-splitting bullshit contention before! You're an original thinker, you are.

Incidentally, your "two sides fight over one government" definition is only one of several types of conflicts that can be classified civil wars. Others include a conflict between a government and an organized insurgency, and conflict between a government and a separatist group fighting to establish an independent state in what was once a single country. The American Civil War falls under that last category.

The U.S. Military defines a civil war like this (taken from the U.S. Army Field Manual):

civil war: A war between factions of the same country; there are five criteria for international recognition of this status: the contestants must control territory, have a functioning government,
enjoy some foreign recognition, have identifiable regular armed forces, and engage in major military operations.


I believe both sides in the American Civil War met all five of those criteria, so you can take your "Second American Revolution" Confederate jerk-off propaganda and stick it up your ass.

The Tolkien reference puts you into a whole new classification of loser. I did not see that one coming. Go outside and make a friend.

Edited at 2008-04-29 10:46 pm (UTC)
Wednesday, April 30th, 2008 | 10:44 am (UTC)
I did expect the ad hominum attacks from you. That is all you can do. Confederate jerk off? Ha, ha, ha!!!

Tell me this, why do you support theft?
Wednesday, April 30th, 2008 | 12:14 pm (UTC)
Bitching about ad hominem attacks would be legitimate if this were anything close to a serious discussion. However, I believe your initial comments were something to the effect of "Your state sucks and its flag is ugly," which effectively boots the serious discussion right out the window.

As for that being all I can do, most of my previous reply was devoted to demonstrating, via some research into the definitions of the term, that your "the U.S. Civil War wasn't a civil war" claim was total horseshit. Only then did I call you a Tolkien-reading loser.

Also, I never called you a jerk-off. I called your "it wasn't a civil war" argument "Confederate jerk-off propaganda," you jerk-off. Get it right.
Thursday, May 1st, 2008 | 08:10 pm (UTC)
I, in fact, never wrote those things. I was pointing to what you had said in your little blurb about Maryland. According to your Orwellian definition (don't worry, most of the government "educated" in these United States think the same thing) the American Revolution should be called the "English Civil War".

As to which state flags are better looking, I would say Arizona, Mississippi, South Carolina, Texas, and Hawaii are much better.
Thursday, May 1st, 2008 | 08:55 pm (UTC)
I don't know what it should be called, but it does qualify as a civil war under the definition I cited. I have no problem with that. I'd object to the name "English Civil War" on the grounds that the American colonies were only one of many British imperial holdings at the time, and that there had already been a conflict long referred to as the English Civil War, which would lead to confusion. Calling it the American Revolution or the War of American Independence, as it's usually called, is perfectly appropriate.

I'll give you the Arizona and South Carolina flags. They're both very nice looking. The others you mentioned are just variations on a theme -- red, white and blue, stripes, stars, where have I seen that before? Hawaii's earns extra points for incorporating the Union Jack, which I dig, but the others are just boring. The Maryland flag's got class, baby.
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