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Steve Likes to Curse
Writing, comics and random thoughts from really a rather vulgar man
One down, 1,375 to go 
Tuesday, September 5th, 2006 | 10:03 am [commentary]

Some days you’re just happy to wake up in the morning.  The sun is shining, the air is cool, and all is as it should be.  Today is one of those days.  It’s raining outside, so it’s not the sunshine.  It’s something else.  I heard a story on the radio on my way back to Ashley’s from my English class this morning, a story that made my soul sing and my heart jump with joy.  I found it on Yahoo, so I might share it with all of you:


Chargers' Foley to miss season


It seems that Steve Foley, a linebacker for the San Diego Chargers, will miss the season due to being shot by the cops.  One cop, actually, an off-duty policeman who followed Foley as he drove drunk on the freeway at 90 mph, nearly colliding with other vehicles.  Foley was shot three times, in the arm, leg and chest.  He has been placed on San Diego’s non-football injured reserve list.  I cannot find the words to tell you how happy this makes me.


The name of the cop who did the shooting has not been released, but whoever he is, I wish to commend him as a member of law enforcement and a human being.  Just think: because of this man’s bravery, quick thinking, and bullets, there will now be one less football player this season.  If only more cops carried out their duty as this one.  The thought alone sends me aflutter.


I’m not suggesting that cops ought to be out there on the streets killing football players.  That’s barbaric.  I’m saying they ought to be out there shooting football players, wounding them like Steve Foley so they can’t play anymore.  I did some figuring.  Check this out: 32 NFL teams, each with a 53 man roster.  So that’s a total of 1,696 NFL players (and people wonder why the world’s gone to shit?).  Hunting down and shooting that many players would be a serious demand on police manpower.  I am sensitive to this.  Fortunately, shooting every NFL player, though highly desirable, is not necessary to end the season.  A football team must have a minimum of 11 players on the field to play the game, so it is necessary for the police of America to shoot just enough players to leave each team with only ten healthy players.  In other words, 1,376.  The wounding of Steve Foley in the arm, leg and chest takes care of one, so that leaves only 1,375 to go.  This seems a reasonable number.


Of course, this is Tuesday, and the NFL season kicks off on Thursday, with most of the first week games then played on Sunday.  In other words, there’s not much time, cops of America.  So get shootin’.

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