Our State Comptroller here in Maryland, William Donald Schaefer, was defeated in the Democratic Party primary on Tuesday, meaning that when Schaefer leaves office in January 2007, his long career in elected office will have reached an end. Can I get an “Amen?” How about an “It’s about fucking time?”
William Donald Schaefer was born November 2, 4,000,000,000 B.C.E., in what would one day be known as the city of Baltimore. He eventually became an attorney in the field of real estate law. In 1955, realizing he could make more money and have significant power over other people’s lives, he ran for and was elected to the city council. He was elected city council President in 1967, and in 1971 successfully assassinated Baltimore Mayor Thomas D’Alesandro III to assume that office. Impressed by his all-consuming personal ambition and lack of basic social manners, the citizens of Baltimore re-elected him three more times.
In 1986 Schaefer, still spry at 4,000,001,986, was elected Governor of Maryland. He immediately set about putting his stamp on the state, hiking taxes, building an enormous water fountain for his mistress at the Governor’s mansion, and funding the construction of William Donald Schaefer Is the Greatest Governor of Any State Ever Stadium, later re-named Oriole Park at Camden Yards. He was soundly re-elected in 1990, bumping Maryland up to number two, right behind Minnesota, on the List of States That Hate Themselves the Most. Schaefer celebrated his re-election by calling for a public registry of HIV-positive residents, and publicly referring to the state’s Eastern Shore as “a shithole.”
Following his constitutionally required abdication of power at the end of his second term, Schaefer ran for and was elected to the office of State Comptroller in 1998. As Comptroller, he was a constant critic of his successor as Governor, Parris Glendening, a fellow Democrat. Schaefer often referred to Glendening disparagingly as “Ayatollah,” a “despot,” or a “buttfucker.” Tensions between the two reached a crescendo during a 2002 meeting of the Board of Public Works, during which Schaefer rose from his seat and hurled an ax in the Governor’s direction. Glendening survived when Lieutenant Governor Kathleen Kennedy Townsend was able to deflect the ax with the body of a page. Following his foiled assassination attempt, Schaefer snapped his fingers ruefully and growled, “You’ve not heard the last of me, Parris Glendening!”
In February 2006, Schaefer sexually harassed Elizabeth Krum, a young assistant to Governor Robert Ehrlich, who was sitting right there. A few months later, he protested a proposal by the Board of Public Works to establish English as a Second Language classes in Maryland schools, believing it would benefit “Koreans,” whom Schaefer claimed were “shooting missiles at us.” He later refused to apologize to a group of South Korean community leaders.
Schaefer stirred controversy for a final time this month when he referred to Janet Owens, one of his opponents in the Democratic primary, as “Old Mother Hubbard” and “a prissy little miss.” He further claimed that Owens’s old fashioned hairdo made him “real mad.” When given an opportunity to apologize to Owens before the election, Schaefer defended himself by saying, essentially, “She started it.”
And so, on September 12, William Donald Schaefer lost his bid to be re-elected State Comptroller, losing in the primary to Peter Franchot, ultimately finishing in third place behind Janet Owens. His long career in elected office will conclude in January 2007, when the new Comptroller is sworn in, and Schaefer is forcibly removed from the building.