So apparently not only are beauty pageants superficial, detrimental to women’s societal progress, and boring as all fucking hell, they attract unbalanced, violent individuals who, were it not for their ability to walk in a straight line, enhance their bust-lines with electrical tape, and sing/tap-dance/play the clarinet, would be shoe-ins for first guest on The Jerry Springer Show.
(Is that a dated reference? Does Jerry Springer even still have a show? If so, does anyone still watch it? I’ll look into it and get back to you.)
The reigning Miss Washington County, a brown-haired lass with beady eyes and a glued-on smile named Christie Ganoe (and check her out over there — ain’t she a scary lookin’ bitch?) was arrested last week and charged with second-degree assault and fourth-degree burglary.
What was her crime, this embodiment of the dreams of a million girls, this queen of femininity? She allegedly entered the home of her ex-boyfriend in Cumberland, found another woman there and punched her in the head. This was after she had been picked up by police and taken home once before for causing a disturbance at her ex’s place.
“And what are some qualities of yours that would make you a good Miss Washington County?”
“Well, I’m very persistent . . .”
I wonder if the guy who conducted her private interview is breathing a sigh of relief he didn’t go with a more rigorous line of questioning.
For breaking into her ex-boyfriend’s place and punching someone in the head, Christie will be appearing in court in Allegheny County on October 20. No decision has been made over whether or not to strip her of the prestigious Miss Washington County title, and the $2,000 college scholarship that went with it. If you ask me (and by reading my blog, implicitly you did), they should let her keep the title. For one thing, they already had the Miss Maryland pageant, and she lost, so Miss Washington County is as far as her career in the smiling-and-waving field is likely to go. For another, the fact that she broke into someone’s house and whipped someone’s ass makes her the first memorable Miss Washington County I can recall. The rest of them just sort of blur together into an indistinct conglomerate of plucked eyebrows and teeth. But now Christie “The Hammer” Ganoe will stand out from the pack. Should we punish her for that? I think not.
All in all an entertaining story, and yet I haven’t mentioned the best part: Christie Ganoe’s pet cause for the Miss Washington County Pageant was bullying prevention. Does it seem to anyone else like irony is becoming compulsory for stories like this?
If only she’d actually attended a few of those non-violent conflict resolution classes she was advocating, we could have avoided this whole sordid business. Thank Christ she didn’t.
(A brief update to an earlier parenthetical: Jerry Springer does indeed still host a show, and somebody must be watching, ‘cause ratings are “steady.” Huh.)