Okay, so maybe "best ever" is a slight exaggeration, but this week saw two of the best stories I've ever read in The Onion. Check these out:
First, from a few days ago, this obligatory McCain story:
Top Story on John McCain Run Out of Obligation
NEW YORK—Although his lack of charisma and charm has lately prevented the Arizona senator from grabbing front-page headlines, the tenets of journalistic objectivity made it necessary today to publish a top news story on Republican presidential candidate John McCain.
According to the newspaper's editors, the decision to run the story came after they realized that they had not printed a cover story about Sen. McCain (R-AZ) in a number of months, despite the distinct possibility that he could become the leader of the free world for the next four to eight years.
Some of the publication's employees said they recalled a recent profile on McCain's military service—also run out of obligation—but archival records revealed that piece was published in April 2007. While other articles published in recent weeks have referred to McCain, today's story marks a conscious effort to focus on John McCain and only John McCain, and to mention John McCain's name whenever possible.
Read the rest right here.
Then check out this one, from today, which I am tempted to declare my mostest favorite Onion story, of all Onion stories:
Evolutionists Flock to Darwin-Shaped Wall Stain
DAYTON, TN—A steady stream of devoted evolutionists continued to gather in this small Tennessee town today to witness what many believe is an image of Charles Darwin—author of The Origin Of Species and founder of the modern evolutionary movement—made manifest on a concrete wall in downtown Dayton.
"I brought my baby to touch the wall, so that the power of Darwin can purify her genetic makeup of undesirable inherited traits," said Darlene Freiberg, one among a growing crowd assembled here to see the mysterious stain, which appeared last Monday on one side of the Rhea County Courthouse. The building was also the location of the famed "Scopes Monkey Trial" and is widely considered one of Darwinism's holiest sites. "Forgive me, O Charles, for ever doubting your Divine Evolution. After seeing this miracle of limestone pigmentation with my own eyes, my faith in empirical reasoning will never again be tested."
Added Freiberg, "Behold the power and glory of the scientific method!"
Read the rest right here. I dunno, I think it's even better than the one about Intelligent Falling.