So what if Thanksgiving isn’t until tomorrow? Let me reflect, for I have so very many reasons to be thankful. I’m thankful for my life, for my health, for Ashley and my family and all the people I love. I’m thankful for my education and the opportunity I’ve been given to pursue it. I’m thankful for trees, and grass, and clouds. I’m thankful for the Moon and the stars and the Sun. I’m thankful for whitetail deer, and I’m thankful I’ve never hit one with my vehicle, though I’ve come real goddamn close a couple of times. I’m thankful for baseball, and Barack Obama, and Buster Keaton. I’m thankful for the twenty-three years I got to spend with my Pap, and the twenty-eight-and-counting I’ve had with my Granny.
And, this year, just now, today, I’m thankful for Ann Coulter falling and breaking her face and having her jaw wired shut. At least that’s what the New York Post’s Page Six says.
Oh God, oh Monad, oh Prime Mover of the universe, let it be true. Let it be true, let it be true, let it be true.
This might actually cause me to reconsider my disbelief in an active and personal God, because if Ann Coulter being unable to speak for a few weeks ain’t the answer to somebody’s prayer, I don’t know what the fuck else to call it.
I don’t believe in the supernatural power of prayer, and I don’t believe in karma, poetic justice, or the law of attraction. But for the sake of Ann Coulter, founding member of the Cocksucker Hall of Fame and perpetual embarrassment to her party, country and species, I’m willing to pretend.
Thanks, Universe. Measured against the immensity of human suffering, I guess it’s not a terribly significant gesture. But it’s something. I appreciate it.