It’s always a little disconcerting when some cherished, closely held belief of yours is proven to be less than the absolute truth. It can be disillusioning, and a little depressing. Remember how you felt when you realized there was no Santa Claus? Or that Ronald Reagan wasn’t actually that great of a president? Or that, despite the accent, not all British folks possess superior intelligence?
Yesterday I was reminded of that last one when I watched Bill Maher’s film Religulous, in which he interviews one David Icke.
To call David Icke a conspiracy theorist would almost be an insult to the rest of the group. You think the 9/11 Truthers and tax protestors are nutty? Icke makes Alex Jones and that nutsack Jerome Corsi look lucid and rational by comparison. Which means he must be pretty crazy, right? Oh, my brothers and sisters . . .
Icke shares with many other conspiracy theorists a paranoid fear of global government. He’s convinced that there are secret powers behind the scenes pulling the strings, powerful people accountable to no one who are manipulating the world for their own selfish ends, and who can drop the hammer on us all whenever they feel like it. That’s not the crazy part. Relatively speaking, I mean. Objectively, it’s fucking insane and completely unsupported by any evidence whatsoever, but it’s also boilerplate for these guys, the conspiracy theorist equivalent of believing that the Earth is round and the Sun is at the center of the solar system. It’s just the basics. David Icke isn’t satisfied with the basics.
For the ruthless dictators secretly controlling our society are no mere men, you see. They are alien invaders from a planet in the constellation Draco. They look like us, but looks can be deceiving. Our overlords are actually shape-shifting lizards. You may think this is the wild delusion of a dangerously unstable man, but the evidence is right in front of your face. You’ve actually seen these lizard-men. Not in their true form, of course, but you know their names: Queen Elizabeth II, Tony Blair, and George Bush (both of them!) to name only a few. Icke claims to have spoken to numerous witnesses who have seen George H.W. Bush change his shape many times.
Bear in mind, he reports this information with utter seriousness. He is convinced that metamorphic extraterrestrial reptiles have been secretly ruling our planet since just about forever. He’s also a big believer in just about every other conspiracy theory you can think of, just with his own personal twist. Sure, the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001 were orchestrated by the U.S. government, and FEMA is getting vast internment camps ready to receive the soon-to-be-enslaved population, and secret cabals of the wealthy and powerful are about to establish an inescapable global dictatorship — but it’s the space lizards that are ultimately behind the whole thing.
Icke has been blowing this horn since 1990, and I’ll at least give him credit for this: he hasn’t gone stale. He consistently updates his act. Because let’s face it, ranting and raving about shape-shifting space lizards would start to get a little old after almost twenty years. That’s why Icke is also an outspoken critic of vaccines, believes that Barack Obama is controlling our minds, and thinks that reality is actually an elaborate hologram.
All of this from a bloke with the most erudite and charming British accent you ever did hear. Just goes to show you, even the Brits take a shit once in awhile. If there’s a crazier, more willfully fuck-dumb human being on the planet, I don’t know his name.