Lou Scally friended me on Facebook today — how cool/chilling is that? For those of you who aren’t from the Hagerstown area, Lou is our local media megastar. He’s the weatherman for Hagerstown’s one and only TV station, WHAG, and the morning host for WJEJ radio. Around here, he’s the uncrowned king. More people from Hagerstown know his name than the name of whoever the hell the mayor is.
So why is this fucking with me a little? Because Lou and I have never met in person. He can only know me through this here repository of sacrilege and profanity. And while I find Lou as endearing as everyone else around here (sure, his nickname is “Lyin’ Lou,” but we mean it affectionately), I have occasionally been somewhat critical of his skills as a meteorologist, and made rather coarse comments about his personal tonnage. Which has me wondering why Lou even wants to have me on his friend list.
I’ve come up with two theories. First, Lou is just that cool. He has a sense of humor about himself, views his work and his place in the community with a degree of reasoned detachment, and maybe also enjoys the occasional dirty comic featuring Captain Kirk singing Björk lyrics. If McAsherson and I hadn’t pulled the plug on The Snark-Gap Transmission, he would no doubt be inviting us to fill-in for him at WJEJ on a regular basis so he could sleep in, fuck the wife, and go base-jumping and fly an F-16 and do all the other totally balls things Lou Scally does.
Second, Lou is not cool with me at all. He read the article I wrote after his speech at the Sharpsburg Memorial Day parade a few years ago and was not fucking amused. He friended me so he can follow the blog without the indignity of having www.stevelikestocurse.com in the browser history of his work computer and continue patiently assembling his list of justifications for my imminent murder. He hopes to use my profile to anticipate my movements throughout the day and week, so he can determine the optimum time to make his move. Or perhaps he’ll lure me to him with a phony invitation to fill in for him at WJEJ. If you want to get away with murder, you need to do it someplace totally deserted, where there won’t be another human soul to catch you in the act. Where better than a radio station?