A comment Varjak left on Facebook a few days ago reminded me how much I miss one of my all-time favorite websites. It was called The Bastard Son of the Lord Homepage, and is still one of the funniest sites I’ve ever encountered. For whatever reason, it was abandoned years ago by its creator (also named Steve) and is no longer online. But what a shitload of fun it was while it lasted . . .
The concept was sacrilegiously simple: it was the homepage of Jesus Christ, who had tapped webmaster Steve to spread his message over the internet. Regular features included the Messiah Log, a message from Jesus where he kept visitors informed on his current activities and dispensed advice on a wide variety of topics, including the finer points of good testicle-handling; a section devoted to the hate mail the site received from infuriated Christians; and a page describing an ever-growing line of collectible figurines depicting the many sufferings of Christ.
Major events in the life of Christ described during the life of the Bastard Son site included drowning to death on Lake Erie, his subsequent resurrection (his third coming), and his on-again/off-again sexual relationship with webmaster Steve. Jesus wasn’t gay, though — he was a committed bisexual. In the messiah log in which he announced he and Steve’s relationship for the first time, he assured his female readers, “I am still swinging with the ladies.”
Remembering the Bastard Son site after so many years, it’s readily apparent what a huge influence it’s had on me as a writer and, these last few years, a blogger. It’s obvious that, whether I meant to or not, I’ve modeled my voice at Steve Likes to Curse on the Messiah Logs and other bits of writing I loved by that other Steve at the Bastard Son site.
Varjak and I spent many a phone conversation laughing at the site, especially the list of collectible figurines, all of which were meant to depict Jesus in severe pain. Here are a few of the better items:
Jesus lights the wrong end of a cigarette
Jesus hits a hole in one but there are no witnesses
Jesus being interviewed by Jay Leno
Jesus gnawing off His extremities while caught in a bear trap
Jesus piercing his own nipple with a leather punch
Jesus’s fingernails being torn off in the pencil sharpener
Jesus receiving bad news at the AIDS clinic
Jesus discovers his lover has committed suicide, thinking Jesus himself was dead, not merely unconscious as a ploy to escape their terrible family rivalry, and weeps
Jesus being mauled by pitbulls
Jesus drinking a can of soda with a bee inside it
Jesus tripping on a curb, and falling chin-first into a fire hydrant
Lazarus the Zombie trying to eat Jesus’s brain
Jesus bites his tongue
And probably my favorite . . .
Jesus getting whacked in the throat with an aluminum baseball bat
As I mentioned, the site is no longer online. Fortunately, that’s why God invented the Wayback Machine at the Internet Archive! The BSOTL Homepage can still be viewed thanks to that miracle of modern technology. Check it out, just as it was when last it was updated, right here. If you never got to see it when it was up and running, you’re in for a treat. If you used to read it and remember it as fondly as I do, do yourself a favor and take a look at it again. It’s been so long since it was active, chances are you’ve forgotten enough of the good stuff that it will be almost like seeing it for the first time.