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Steve Likes to Curse
Writing, comics and random thoughts from really a rather vulgar man
Hagerstown has the second-ugliest guys in the United States 
Thursday, October 15th, 2009 | 05:07 pm [commentary, hagerstown]
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Hagerstown, Maryland — the town where I was born, the home of the Maryland Symphony Orchestra, the Hagerstown Suns, and, according to the website TotalBeauty.com, the second-ugliest men in the country.


The website, which so far as I can tell serves no purpose other than to provide space for Oil of Olay and Herbal Essences to place advertising, has posted a list of the eight American cities with the ugliest men. For their purposes, TotalBeauty.com has defined “ugly” to be the poor state of one’s “brains, muscles, teeth, fat and lungs — they’re all on the inside of the men in these cities.” Nice to know a website plastered with ads for makeup, with a huge chunk of its content seemingly taken up by reviews and recommendations of beauty products, isn’t superficial.


Here’s the assessment of Hagerstown:


Less than 10 percent of the men in Hub City hold a bachelor’s degree. They’re not spending their spare time in gyms, either — nearly 30 percent don’t exercise regularly, 30 percent are obese, and an off-the-charts number of Hagerstownians smoke, compared to the rest of the country.


Was this the shittiest place ever for Planet Fitness to open a franchise, or what? I wonder how they’re doing . . .


It’s obvious to me that Colleen Rush, who wrote this list, has never been to Hagerstown. Otherwise, the review would not have been nearly as complimentary. She doesn’t mention, for example, Hagerstown’s ongoing history of racial and sexual bigotry, or its embarrassingly inept one and only newspaper, the Herald-Mail. (Thank fuck she’s never seen Mail Call.) Neither does Ms. Rush comment on my hometown’s weird combination of self-loathing and vanity, which has made its inclusion on one of the Google-bait bullshit best/worst lists of a lame cosmetics website into an irresistible story for the local media. In the last few hours I’ve heard or read about Hagerstown and its second-ugliest bunch of dudes on the radio, TV, and several places on the internet.


Does anything on TotalBeauty.com really warrant this much attention? I mean, okay, we were four slots lower than Detroit, for fuck’s sake. That stings. I understand. But let’s not wallow in it! Instead, look on the bright side: at least we beat El Paso! It ain’t much, but shit . . . we’re doing something right.


What we need to do is call up Bethesda, which somehow landed at the #1 spot on another TotalBeauty.com list, the one for the ten cities with the hottest guys. That place is what, 60 miles down the road? We need to find out what they’re doing. And Frederick, too. Ever been to Frederick? God, that’s a nice town.

Friday, October 16th, 2009 | 12:45 am (UTC)
I would add that Hagerstown is the center of the universe for teenagers with babies, duplex housing, and those awful remembrances of the dead on the rear windows of vehicles. We just went on trip to North Carolina and didn't see ONE of those moving obituaries outside the greater Hagerstown metropolitan area. What is it with those things?
Friday, October 16th, 2009 | 01:24 pm (UTC)
Oh man, don't even get me started on those memorial window decals. I've seen more than one car around here that actually has three of those things on the rear window.

I have the same question about those things as I do about bumper stickers: Who are they for? For whose benefit? Because you, as the driver of the car, already know the name and dates of your dead loved one, so it can't be for you. And I have no idea who they are, so it can't be for me or anyone else who didn't know the person. So who is it for?!? Do we really believe that our poor baby who died during childbirth is sitting up in heaven going "Oh hey, check it out. Mom got me a rolling tombstone glued to her rear windshield! Well isn't that sweet?"

Not just bullshit — morbid bullshit.
Sunday, October 25th, 2009 | 06:30 am (UTC)
How my piece of shit car got three memorial stickers: Went huntin' with my youngest son last year. After dark I drove down the road to pick him up from his tree stand. I'd finished my six pack before climbing down from my tree and wondered how he'd come along on his. When I got near his end of the road I dropped my cigarette and when I bent to pick it up I plowed him over dead. My wife was a good christian lady and wanted one a those stickers on the back of my truck. Well damned if I didn't back over her the next morning while she was chasin down our mutt we liked to call Barack. The funeral home talked me into gettin a winder sticker for both them. Now that it's just me and my last son, I can trade the truck on for a mustang. Chicks love those things.
Wednesday, October 28th, 2009 | 03:36 am (UTC)
you know what else chicks love?

Elitist snickering. Very sexy.
Friday, October 30th, 2009 | 10:32 pm (UTC)
It's always been the secret to my success with the ladies.
Wednesday, November 18th, 2009 | 05:19 pm (UTC)
Hagerstown will never change.........white trash!
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