Australia always seemed like a nice place to live. The people have cool accents, the weather is nice, the currency is called the same thing it is here in the States. Hell, Australia’s kinda got the same shape as the U.S., too. I mean, if you squint at it, tilt your head a bit . . . Look, I said kinda. And to top it all off, the Aussies have a dark history of brutalizing and gentrifying their continent’s indigenous population! Feels just like home. But home at the bottom of the fucking world, thousands of miles away from anything, and a shitload of water between you and everybody else.
So why haven’t I moved there, like, a long-ass time ago? There’s my distaste for vegemite. And there’s the fact that the place is swarming with kangaroos who at any given moment could decide they want to kill you and drown your pets. Don’t believe me? Fine. I wouldn’t expect you to — I lie constantly. But you will, I trust, believe Chris Rickard of Melbourne.
Rickard was out walking his dog yesterday when they startled a sleeping kangaroo. The dog chased the kangaroo into a nearby pond, where the kangaroo turned and attacked the dog, holding it under the water. When Rickard ran up to help, the kangaroo kicked him with its back legs, slashing him in the abdomen and face. “I thought I might take a hit or two dragging the dog out from under his grip,” Rickard told the Herald Sun, “but I didn't expect him to actually attack me.”
According to the Associated Press story, kangaroos rarely attack humans, but have been known to lead dogs to water and drown them when being chased.
Until today I had no idea kangaroos were this smart. Think about how fucked up it is for a kangaroo to lure a dog into a lake, then turn and try to drown it, instead of just trying to get away. Who knows what else these diabolical creatures are capable of. They have those pouches — they could be hiding anything in there! Is that a cute little joey, or a Semtex device?
No thank you. I’ll stay right here in the good ol’, God blessed United States of America, where the only animals that want to torture you before you die are humans who host and/or listen to talk radio.