Warrior, the former professional wrestler who legally changed his name so he could take his gimmick with him when he left the WWF only to find that nobody else wanted to hire him* which forced him to invent a bullshit philosophical reason why he changed his name to something so dumb, is a man of many passions. Besides being our Founding Father of Ring IntensityTM (Probably), he’s also a voracious reader of the classics, a (very) part-time blogger, and a wuver of words. Boy, does Warrior wuv words. Warrior wuvs words so much, he’ll woutinely wite way more words than he weawy needs to expwess his bewiefs.
(*The only exceptions being that three-match run in WCW in 1998, which even Warrior would probably like to forget, and his two “comeback” appearances for Nu-Wrestling Evolution in Spain in 2008, which no one actually saw.)
Just as much as words, though, Warrior is a lover of art. (Maybe. I guess. I don’t really know — look, just go along with me a minute, eh?) Like so many lovers of art, Warrior felt drawn not only to collect it, but to create it. And create it he did! Oh yes. Create it he did.
The results are fascinating. My own artistic skills being not far beyond those of your average eight-month-old, I’m not qualified to judge the aesthetic merit of Warrior’s infantile and ham-handed stupid paintings. Be that as it may, there are still a few conclusions I can draw after studying the art of the Ultimate Warrior. Those conclusions are:
Warrior Loves Old American Indians
For another example, see these two:
So take heart, American Indians of America. Sure, you’ve been mistreated, gentrified, fucked-over for centuries by Europeans settlers and their descendants, but now Warrior will be your champion! He will paint your portraits and tell your stories. At least if you were photographed by D.F. Barry, he will.
Warrior Thinks the American Flag Is Perfect Just the Way It Is
This reminds me of a painting that was on display at the library and later the local fine arts museum last year. It was of the artist’s young children, and was painted from a photograph. In fact, it looked exactly like a photograph. Technically it was very impressive, but I remember finding it terribly offensive. Why was a museum exhibiting a painting that was a precise reproduction of a photograph? For fuck’s sake, that’s what cameras are for.
I imagine Warrior looking at the celebrated Jasper Johns paintings of the flag, snorting, and stomping off, determined to do Jasper one better. His idea for improving on the Johns paintings was apparently to scrub them clean of every last trace of commentary and nuance. Mission accomplished, Warrior!
Warrior Knows Ronald Reagan Was Actually a Muppet
Parents, don’t let your kids see that one.
Warrior Doesn’t Get Van Gogh
First there’s this one . . .
. . . which I take as a direct response to David Sedaris’s When You Are Engulfed in Flames. Note the absent cigarette.
Warrior is a bit of a health nut. Then there’s this series . . .
. . . the first of which is titled “Swordfighting Sunflowers”.
These works are all viewable online, and available for purchase. And with costs ranging from about $400 to about $5000, they’re reasonably priced, too. I’m positive this article will ignite a worldwide firestorm of interest in the work of Warrior, who is surely the most gifted painter since Pierre Brassau, so if you hope to have a Warrior original hanging above your fireplace, click that link now. They’ll be goin’ fast!
Especially this one: