Ashley and I walked to the post office and to the Battleview Market this morning, and what should I see on the front page of the venerable Herald Mail but this headline:
Federline stops in at local store
The local store was, of course, Wal-Mart. We were there last night, after stopping by Borders and running into Brian and Jamie, so we must have missed Kev (as I like to call him) by only a few hours. The story says he and his bodyguards – I find that amusing, how about you? – were stopping by to stock up on the essentials – food, clothing and video games – on their way down to D.C., where Federline had a gig at the Platinum Club. Paparazzi tried to follow him into the store and Wal-Mart, which strictly forbids photographers from operating on the premises, called the city cops to help. The cops also followed Fed-Ex around the store, holding back the crowd.
That’s just the official story. I prefer to think that Federline was in town to play a gig at Eclipse in Long Meadow, and stopped by Wal-Mart to drop off copies of his new album, which the manager refused to accept and called the cops to get Kev and his peeps the fuck out of there before he ran off all the business.
Seriously, though, it’s a little disheartening to read about such a commotion being stirred up over someone who shouldn’t even be famous. If not for Britney Spears’s appalling lack of judgment, no one would even know who the fuck Kevin Federline was. We had famous people stop in at Pilot every once in awhile, usually to gas up their tour buses, and we never made a big deal about it. Good Charlotte stopped in once, and who else . . . I can’t remember, some other shitty band. No one cool. Dave Attell stopped in once, but I wasn’t there. Jimmy talked to him. But I digress – the point is, none of those guys ever made the paper, so who the fuck is Kevin Federline?
It doesn’t say in the paper, but I’m hoping a few people at least spat at him, even if none of it got on him. Preferably one of the cops assigned to guard him. Cops around here are pretty unprofessional, so it could have happened.