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Steve Likes to Curse
Writing, comics and random thoughts from really a rather vulgar man
Chick, man. 
Tuesday, November 21st, 2006 | 11:12 am [commentary, humor, religion]
I found this funny parody of a Chick tract linked on the Cracked website today, from Your Mom's Basement:  Galactus Is Coming!  It reminded me of when I worked at Pilot, how I used to find Chick tracts littered everywhere, in the showers, in the phone room (when we had a phone room), in the men's room (never, ever in the ladies' room, since I guess nobody gave a fuck about saving the soul of some woman), even outside on the diesel pumps.  Truckers are some Chick tract-readin' motherfuckers.  I don't know much, but I do know that.

For those of you who have never had the pleasure of reading a Chick tract, just read the parody I linked above, replace the "Buy more Marvel Comics" plea at the end with "Come to Jesus!" and "Galactus" with "the Catholic Church," and you've pretty much got it.  That's what makes Jack Chick so unique among proselytizers -- he doesn't just hate on atheists, agnostics, muslims, hindus, sikhs, pagans, wiccans, and eastern philosophers -- he hates on other Christians, too, if they happen to be the wrong kind of Christian.  Check out some of his handiwork at his very own website.

The classic, self-proclaimed "Most Popular!" tract is "This Was Your Life," which is also, incidentally, the one I found printed in German in the phone room at Pilot (Wanna see how Chick tracts would've looked to Hitler?  Check it out: "Das War Dein Leben!").  That one's bad enough, but to see the true depth of Chick's paranoia and alarmism, check out "Why Is Mary Crying?" and "What's Wrong With This?".  Turns out all you fucking Mary-worshiping Catholics are going to Hell, too!

All you colored people might be thinking, "But what about us?  Can we go to Heaven, too?  Even if we're Muslims?  Even if we're Black Muslims?"  Jack Chick's answer to you is -- Yes!  Absolutely!  You even get black angels to take your soul to glory.  No more problems getting a cab once you become a good black Christian -- and DIE!  Jack Chick's all about racial equality when it comes to evangelizing.  Remember, the old saying goes "separate but equal."  Chick's drawn up a whole library of tracts just for negroes -- this one even has a black Adam and Eve!  Any semi-literate Africoon can understand that!  He knows how much all you jigs love Islam, too, so he wrote a special tract to tell you all about how all Muslims are morons who don't even understand their own religion, so you won't make the same mistake as those shit mummies over there in the Middle East.

There are literally hundreds of these things linked at Chick's website and available to read for free.  But read them the way they were meant to be read -- I recommend printing your favorite Chick tracts out, smearing shit on your bathroom wall and reading them on the toilet to simulate that authentic truck stop experience.

And to my Mormon brothers: Remember -- Jesus hates you, too!
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