An Open Letter to AIDS
This past Friday was World AIDS Day, which got me to thinking: could you cut Africa a break, maybe? I know you were born there, so it makes sense that’s where you’d want to spend most of your time, but this is getting a little ridiculous. You’ve infected nearly 28 million people in Sub-Saharan Africa alone, giving that population by far the highest percentage of HIV/AIDS infection in the world. Maybe you think the Africans have it coming; afterall, theirs is the most violent continent on the planet, and the various tribes, nations and ethnic groups have been killing each other and selling each other into slavery for as long as anyone can remember. And when we civilized westerners arrived, we didn’t do much to help besides taking a few million of those slaves for ourselves.
Which is exactly my point – isn’t a deadly pandemic piling-on at this point? And you’re not even playing fair; many African men infected with HIV/AIDS still believe that having sex with a virgin will cure them, thus further spreading the disease and increasing incidents of rape. Bad form, AIDS.
You’ve shown in the past that you’re not an entirely unreasonable collection of opportunistic infections caused by an immunodeficiency virus. You used to call yourself GRID, let’s not forget, for “Gay-Related Immune Deficiency,” but, with some prodding from a more educated populace, you’ve since eased up on the gay folks – in the U.S. at least. You can be managed by drugs and prevented altogether by abstinence or condom use. And it turns out you’re not as homophobic as we all thought at first.
With that flexibility in mind, I’d like to suggest a few people you could infect instead of millions of Africans:
- Alan Keyes
- Gary Bauer
- Jerry Falwell
- Mr. Snyder
- Ted Haggard (You might be ahead of me on this one)
- Rosie O’Donnell
- Rick Santorum
- Pat Robertson
- Oprah (Make this one fast, though, because she will milk the martyr thing for all it’s worth)
- Billy Zane
- The crazy cat lady who lives in Ashley’s building
- Bill O’Reilly
- Michael Bay
- Joel Schumacher
- Anne Rice
- The guy who draws Mallard Fillmore
- J.D. Hayworth
- Hulk Hogan
- The Pope
- Freddie Prinze Jr. (Please!)
Enough with killing the Africans, okay, AIDS? You’re a better pandemic than that. Why not direct your energy elsewhere, and make the world a better place?
Yours in Christ,